What if Gaston had kids?

So today at Walmart, James saw a poster for a new movie or show that was about the kids of supervillians - if I am understanding him correctly. He then proceeded to crack me up by saying:

J: "I could see that one guy from Beauty and the Beast having a lot of kids." 
Me: "Yeah, no doubt, he had three women simply ready to kill themselves when he planned to marry Belle."
J: "Triplets, right?"
Me: "Yep, and all pretty little blondes who adored him and probably would have shared him, no marriage required."
J: "Could you imagine if all three of them managed to have triplets? Like two sets of girls and one set of boys."
Me: "Knowing Gaston, it'd be worse if all NINE of them were girls!"
James chuckled and shook his head. "Even worse than that, 8 girls and 1 boy, and the boy is the runt!"
I laughed.
James continues: "So the girls are all tall and athletic and somewhat brawny - taking after their dad - and the boy is a total wimp!"
I laugh again. "Or to really make Gaston mad, he totally takes after his moms! He's delicate and blonde and such a pretty boy! So much that he may as well be a girl!"
J: "And the girls have to protect him from jerks!"
Me: "And Gaston is the type that would not want to talk to his girls if they aren't perfect little feminine butterflies, so he probably wouldn't want anything to do with them, and then he'd look at his son and see a girly wimp and not want anything to do with him either!"
J: "But I bet they'd be better off without him anyway."
I laughed. "Yeah, Gaston's an a**hole!"

So... yeah... that's how a LOT of our conversations go, lol!

He said what?!?!

My husband has a temper - as most of you probably know, lol! So one of the most surprising things about him is that when he encounters others who are lost in a fit of temper, he has this way of getting them to snap out of it using comedy. It can be annoying, especially when I WANT to be mad, but he almost never fails to make me laugh :-)

For example, when I am mad, I tend to curse a LOT! It's not like word word word word word, bleep! It's like bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep, word! Or maybe not even a word, more like half a word or a sigh of disgust or aggravation. Even though I am swearing, it is rare for me to use religious swear words. I just don't. I find it disrespectful, lol!

Anyway, I was REALLY enraged one day, and James was also in a bad mood, so we were sort of feeding each other in a downward spiral of just general unpleasantness. I'm the one more likely to snap out of that funk, but I just couldn't. I was literally screaming at the kids, and they hadn't even done anything wrong. I think they were breathing too loudly or something.

See? I TOLD you I was enraged...

Anyway, I starting using the religious phrases:

"God damnit! Why the fuck blah blah blah?! I mean really, boys?! Jesus Fucking Christ!!!!"

And at that moment, James found his opportunity to change the tone of the day completely. He looked at me completely deadpan and muttered: "That's called masturbation."

I stopped everything to stare at him in confusion. I mean my anger completely evaporated because I was so confused. "What did you say?"

He shrugged, also much calmer himself now. "You said Jesus fucking Christ. I said that's called masturbation."

I snorted, and then tried to hold back the giggles until they burst from my lips. With one little comment, he managed to make the whole world better :-D

Wipeout!

Hubby was talking about the new rumor in which Tupak is finally coming out of hiding. We both agreed that we think he probably really is dead, but you know James, he's a joker, so he said:

"Wouldn't it be funny if the next movie set in the future makes a jab at the rap wars that there hasn't been any rap music in years - not since the west coast east coast wipe out. Somebody will make a comment of 'Oh my God! Did the West Coast and East Coast Rappers wipe each other out?!?!' and the main character will give a charming half smile and reply 'Nah, the country stars were all so sick of the noise, that they all got liquored up and wiped them out, and the rap stars were so out of it that they never saw it coming!'"

Because you know, it wouldn't surprise me at all, lol!

Crushing the Ego

When James was about 17 years old, he started working at Hardees in Blaine off of 109th and University.  On his first day there, he was told that one of the other employees was a bit of an asshole and had gotten into the pants of most of the women/girls who had worked there... Even the married woman whose husband worked there too.

But - as an asshole - the women soon grew wise to his antics and quite a bit of bickering and conflict would ensue. So, James decided to do what he does so well... crack jokes and play pranks.

One day, as the ass was berating one of the girls for not doing her job the way he wanted her to, James stood behind him sweeping. He waved to get the girl's attention, and then silently mimed like he was blowing up a balloon. Then he pretended to let the air from the balloon flow into his right ear and mimed like it was coming out of his left ear. In other words, he was letting her know that he thought the ass was full of hot air.

She tried to keep a straight face, but could not help but bust up laughing. The ass spun around to look at James and demanded: "What did you say to her?!?!"

James plastered an innocently confused look on his face and asked: "What? You're standing between us. If I had said anything to her, you would have heard me." The ass couldn't argue the point and so stomped off in a huff.

On another day, James decided that his attitude was getting on his nerves, so James felt like a little bit of mischief was in order. He got two pieces of paper and wrote shoot me on one and kick me on the other. Then he put tape on the back of the shoot me sign and on the FRONT of the kick me sign. Putting the signs together so that the shoot me sign would stick but that the kick me sign wouldn't, he very overtly patted the asshole's back and then walked away.

The ass knew something was fishy, so he immediately turned around and saw the kick me sign fall to the ground. He picked it up and smugly crumpled it into a ball, probably thinking my husband was too stupid to put the sign on his back correctly. He even tossed the crumpled up sign at James, who shrugged and acted like he was foiled, no big deal.

For at least an hour - during a lunch rush - ALL the customers that came into the lobby to order food from him as the cashier saw the sign on his back and laughed at him. A soft little snickering laugh that assumed that he was probably trying to be funny on purpose. No one said a word to him!

Eventually, the manager wondered what was so funny, and came over to see for herself. She stopped the ass, turned him around so she could see his back, and then murmured: "Oh," as she walked away. The ass couldn't figure out what was wrong, but was now aware of everyone laughing at him. He continued to do his job for another 10 minutes before the manager finally took pity on him and pulled the sign off his back and handed it to him.

He growled angrily, crumpled it into a ball, and threw it at James. The customers in the lobby at the time now realized that the ass HADN'T known about the sign, and busted up laughing so hard that they couldn't look him in the eye as they tried to order their food.

This was not the end of the shenanigans though. James made it a point of pride to pick on the ass as often as possible, driving him to punch the door to the large walk in cooler/freezer repeatedly.

One night, as James was about to get off work, he grabbed a roll of the stickers that they used to seal the wrappers of the sandwiches made during breakfast. The roll of stickers depicted a smiley sun face. This gave him an idea...

Bringing the roll outside with him, James used the stickers to create a HUGE smiley face on the windshield of the car belonging to the ass. Just as he was finished, the ass came outside to throw away a bag of garbage, and James smiled at him as he said: "Big smile; big smile!"

The ass didn't know what was up, and so was confused. James grabbed a friend, went next door to the Super America gas station to fill up, and then went through the drive through of Hardees to order a meal with his employee discount. 

At some point, the ass must have noticed the stickers on his car, because when he heard my husband's voice, he screeched in rage and dove out the drive through window to try to choke him. James took it in stride, acting like nothing out of the ordinary was going on. Of course, a manager saw this behavior and reprimanded the ass.

Shortly thereafter, James turned 18 and got a job at Super America. A month or so later, a girl who worked at Hardees told him that the ass was now on suicide watch. To his credit, James felt a little bad... I think, lol!

An Idea for the Next James Bond Movie

My hubby was in the bathroom doing his laundry when suddenly I hear him bust up laughing, so I ask him what's so funny. He replies:

"In the next James Bond movie, it opens with Bond in a foot chase, being hounded by at least half a dozen unidentified individuals. He knocks a guy off his motorcycle and takes off. The others climb into various vehicles and continue the chase. They go through a dramatic chase of jumps and dodging traffic, and narrowly missing other vehicles on the road.
He finally makes it to an MI6 safe house. While other agents open fire on his pursuers, he makes it to an escape tunnel and escapes to MI6 headquarters. When he arrives, they ask for a debriefing of his encounter, and explain that his pursuers have all been eliminated.
He exclaims: 'Good for you! Damn servers, they've been trying to serve those papers to me for years! 17 kids that I know of and I haven't been served with child support papers once'

Then, the door bursts open, and there's a female agent that shouts: 'Damn you Bond, it's frickin' positive!!!'
To which Bond grabs the agent next to him, throws him at the woman in the doorway, and dives out the window!"

My hubby ends with: "Damn I'm cruel!" as he chuckles maniacally to himself, lol!

My compliments to the chef!

Tonight, Gryffin farted, and I went: "Gryffin! What do you say?!"
He merely gets up and brings his plate to the kitchen to put it on the counter.
James replies: My compliments to the chef!"
I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "I still can't believe that there's a culture that considers burping at a table to be a sign of respect and a compliment to the person who cooked."
James laughs. "Can you imagine being at a restaurant and me going into one of those burps that resembles the Fifth Element?"

If you have never seen the movie The Fifth Element, there is a scene in which the main character - the Supreme Being, Leelu - throws her head back and discharges a ton of energy to destroy an invading, moon sized being of pure evil, out of her mouth. James has - on occasion, had to burp so hard and long that it really did resemble this scene, lol!

Anyway, we are both rolling from laughing so hard at the mental image of my husband doing this at a restaurant in which it's considered a compliment. James mimes the burp, and then pretends to pass out afterwards, lol! He says:
"And the chef would be standing off to the side with his hand over his heart and tears pouring from his eyes: 'Never in my life has anyone loved my food so much!'"

I was sitting on a bean bag chair on the floor, laying really, so I literally was rolling on the floor laughing at this point. My hubby continues.

"And the customers sitting across the table would be waving their hands in front of their noses, wishing they had a towel to dry off with and gas masks. They'd send up a pray of thanks that they weren't at the restaurant that expects farts as compliments! That would be hilarious! 'Oh no! Here it comes!'"

He makes a sound like a seriously raunchy fart rolling out longer than thunder. Then he says:
"Sir? Sir! Your compliment can stop there! Sir! We have gas stoves here! It's a fire hazard!" "Sorry, I can't, your problem now!"

Oh Gods! I don't know why, but any time he starts joking about farts, it always cracks me up! It's probably because his jokes are so true to life, lol!

Who's your Daddy?!

The other night, hubby and I were talking in bed when I said: "I still think that Mother Nature should have biologically linked the father of a baby to it so that when a baby is born, the father starts to lactate too. This would ensure that at least one parents could feed it, both could bond with it if they wanted, and it would come in handy if you had twins or more. Not to mention, just think if you weren't sure who the father was, just keep an eye on the candidates to see which one starts producing milk! :-) "
James laughs. "Yeah, but I still like that old joke about the doctor that invented the machine."
"Remind me?"
James snuggles up to me and gets comfy. "A couple goes into the Hospital to have a baby and the doctor says: I've invented a machine that allows the father to share some of the pain of labor. You want to try it?
The husband says sure and the doctor turns it on low. The husband says: This is nothing, turn it up! The doctor complies by turning it up halfway but the husband simply shrugs. This is still nothing, turn it all the way up!
The doctor is nervous. Are you sure??? The husband is sure so the doctor cranks it all the way up and the wife delivers her baby pain free. Later on, they are discharged from the hospital and go home, only to find the mailman laying dead in front of their porch. Ba-da-dum!"
I laugh and then we went to sleep.
Yesterday, as we were out and about for Phoenix's birthday, my hubby tells me. "I never really understood it before, but now I do."
"Huh?"
"How you could tell me that I did something in one of your dreams that pissed you off and so you got mad at ME. Well, last night, I had a dream in which I wanted to kill all three of you because in the dream, I came home from school to find that you had left the baby in it's carrier ON THE PORCH in the dead of WINTER! It was still alive, but I wanted to toss all three of you out to see how you liked it!"
"Oh man! Honey, I would never do that!"
"I know, but still, you came to bed right about them and I wanted to punch you and chuck you out of the bed!"
I laughed. "Well I'm glad you didn't!"
Well no wonder he was cranky, lol!