Honey, I just made the operator cry...

Years ago, after we had JUST moved into our apartment in Brooklyn Park back in 2001, we were told that our phone service would not be hooked up for at least another day or so. All of a sudden, the phone rang. James was pleasantly surprised that it was working, but when he answered the phone, it sounded like a telemarketer.

He was upset that our first call was from a telemarketer when we hadn't even given the number to any of our family or friends yet. So he immediately went into this mode... He says his asshole switch was flipped and he laid into her about how wrong it was for us to have a telemarketing call before anyone else could even call. He berated her for a few minutes - probably at least 2 - before stopping to hear her excuse, when she tearfully explained that:

She was calling from the phone company to explain that we now had our service and wanted to make sure that everything was working properly. She was damn near sobbing, which made my hubby feel like a colossal heel, and he quickly called me into the living room.

"HONEY! I just made the operator cry!"

I remember blurting out - from the other room - "What?! Why???"

I came into the room and took over the call and calmed her down and soothed her ruffled feathers, and just generally made her happier. Not to mention PROFUSELY apologized for my hubby's bad behavior. And then when I got off the phone with her, hubby and I had a really good laugh about it. I told my hubby that he was answering the phone from now on, lol!

Other really good phone answering lines :-D

James has ACTUALLY answered the phone: "County Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em." And the person asked for his mom, he said that she wasn't there. "Can I take a message?" The person then asked: "Is this her home or her work?" Seriously??? You really think the city would let their employees answer the phone like that?!

My favorite for my family is: "Packard's Pool Hall. We provide the balls, you knock 'em up! How may I help you?"

One night when working at Hardee's, hubby accidentally answered the phone: "Welcome to Hardee's may I take your order?" And the guy was like: "Um... how are you going to get it to me?"
Hubby replied: "We've got a fax machine here. It'll be a little dry, but it comes out warm!" His manager was standing right behind him cracking up. At that point, he handed her the phone: "Maybe you should take this now."

Lastly, one time when James was working at Super America (the gas station) with a guy named Brock, they were talking about how Brock had previously worked at Burger King. Then, a person arrived at a pump, and James pointed to the microphone because they are supposed to welcome each customer as they authorize the pump for use. Brock reaches to take the microphone, and hubby mutters: "Welcome to Burger King."

Brock immediately talked to the customer, saying: "Welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?" He then realized what he said, and you could hear his head thunk into the microphone in shame. The customer pushed the reply button and asked: "Can I get fries with this?"

After that, as the customer finishes pumping, Brock begged James to come over and ring the customer up because he is so embarrassed, and James told him: "No no! This one is all yours!"

As an extra tidbit, here's another order mishap:

While working at Hardee's, the ringer for the drive-thru goes off, and James greeted the customer: "Welcome to Hardee's may I take your order?" The customer starts ordering a large Meatlover's Pizza... at a burger joint...

James explained to the customer that this was HARDEE'S and that Domino's and Pizzahut are just up the road. The customer apologizes: "Sorry, not paying attention! Can I get the Nacho Bell Grande?" Hubby cuts him off: "Sir, Taco Bell is next door. This is Hardee's. We have burgers, fries, chicken..."

The customer replies: "Oh God! Where is my head today? Um... just give me the Whopper and -"
James cuts him off again: "Sir, that's Burger King. This is Hardee's; we have the Monster Burger..."

At this point, the customer is so flustered that he says: "I'm just gonna come in and order!" He then pulls forward and drives off very quickly! All James could say to his co-workers was: "I'm glad I'm not driving while HE'S out there! He seems a little confused..."

lol :-)

Pillow Talk

Tonight as we go to lay down, hubby wants me to massage the knots out of his arms. As I am doing so, I look over and say: "I wonder what it would be like if I could hypnotize you so that every time I snapped my fingers, you'd instantly get hard?"

Hubby snorts a laugh. "Remember when you heard me laughing earlier? Well, I was reading a comic called Blooming Fairies, and the main character was telling a friend of hers that her love slave was always ready to go: 'until I give the command; soft!' and then there's a hissing noise of deflation. But you can't see anything except his backside. So the friend asks: 'Well, what about when you want him to get ready to go?' and the main character replies: 'Why I say hard, of course.' And you hear a boing!"

I said: "I'd love to be able to do that to you, but maybe I should pick something less common than the snapping of fingers."
Hubby replies: "Yeah because you know I'd be in the middle of a conversation with somebody, and they'd be like: "Oh what was that called again?" Snap snap snap. "It'd be like an overdose of viagra, my body would just be hearing: hard hard hard! Losing that much blood flow, I wouldn't even be able to feel my legs. I'd have to call the doctor, and then I'd be dragging myself on my back to the door."

That's when I asked: "Why on your back?"
Hubby said: "At that point, I probably couldn't reach the floor if I turned over. It'd be like dragging an anchor!"

"I'd be at the doctor saying: 'Doc it's no longer turning blue, it's turning purple! No, there's so much blood in there that it's skipping purple and turning right to black! It's gonna fall off!'"
Both of us are laughing our asses off by this point, so then we change the conversation for a while.

I'm now looking at hubby's chest, and if you've never seen it, it's pretty darn hairy. I say out loud: "I wonder what it would be like to spread some Nads (A hair removal wax) across your chest and then yank all your hair off."
Hubby gives me this LOOK, and says: "It'd be like a punch to the jaw, because that's what would happen, I'd punch you in the jaw. And then, I'd wait until you were sleeping, and I'd spread that Nads between your legs, and you'd be like: 'Hmm hubby's playing with me,' until I suddenly rip that right off."

I said: "I'd kick you!"
Hubby says: Oh hell no! I'd rip it off at a full run out the door. I'd be halfway down the stairs by the time you could even start screaming. And then I don't even think I'd have to rush to get on my bike and ride away, because I don't think you'd be able to follow me. You sure as hell wouldn't be riding a bike at that point!"

OMGs I was laughing SOOOO hard that I about fell off the bed! I immediately jump up and shout as I'm running away: "I'm gonna get my computer, because that's going on the blog!"
lol!