My husband has a temper - as most of you probably know, lol! So one of the most surprising things about him is that when he encounters others who are lost in a fit of temper, he has this way of getting them to snap out of it using comedy. It can be annoying, especially when I WANT to be mad, but he almost never fails to make me laugh :-)
For example, when I am mad, I tend to curse a LOT! It's not like word word word word word, bleep! It's like bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep, word! Or maybe not even a word, more like half a word or a sigh of disgust or aggravation. Even though I am swearing, it is rare for me to use religious swear words. I just don't. I find it disrespectful, lol!
Anyway, I was REALLY enraged one day, and James was also in a bad mood, so we were sort of feeding each other in a downward spiral of just general unpleasantness. I'm the one more likely to snap out of that funk, but I just couldn't. I was literally screaming at the kids, and they hadn't even done anything wrong. I think they were breathing too loudly or something.
See? I TOLD you I was enraged...
Anyway, I starting using the religious phrases:
"God damnit! Why the fuck blah blah blah?! I mean really, boys?! Jesus Fucking Christ!!!!"
And at that moment, James found his opportunity to change the tone of the day completely. He looked at me completely deadpan and muttered: "That's called masturbation."
I stopped everything to stare at him in confusion. I mean my anger completely evaporated because I was so confused. "What did you say?"
He shrugged, also much calmer himself now. "You said Jesus fucking Christ. I said that's called masturbation."
I snorted, and then tried to hold back the giggles until they burst from my lips. With one little comment, he managed to make the whole world better :-D
Friday, December 26, 2014
Monday, September 1, 2014
Wipeout!
Hubby was talking about the new rumor in which Tupak is finally coming out of hiding. We both agreed that we think he probably really is dead, but you know James, he's a joker, so he said:
"Wouldn't it be funny if the next movie set in the future makes a jab at the rap wars that there hasn't been any rap music in years - not since the west coast east coast wipe out. Somebody will make a comment of 'Oh my God! Did the West Coast and East Coast Rappers wipe each other out?!?!' and the main character will give a charming half smile and reply 'Nah, the country stars were all so sick of the noise, that they all got liquored up and wiped them out, and the rap stars were so out of it that they never saw it coming!'"
Because you know, it wouldn't surprise me at all, lol!
"Wouldn't it be funny if the next movie set in the future makes a jab at the rap wars that there hasn't been any rap music in years - not since the west coast east coast wipe out. Somebody will make a comment of 'Oh my God! Did the West Coast and East Coast Rappers wipe each other out?!?!' and the main character will give a charming half smile and reply 'Nah, the country stars were all so sick of the noise, that they all got liquored up and wiped them out, and the rap stars were so out of it that they never saw it coming!'"
Because you know, it wouldn't surprise me at all, lol!
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Crushing the Ego
When James was about 17 years old, he started working at Hardees in Blaine off of 109th and University. On his first day there, he was told that one of the other employees was a bit of an asshole and had gotten into the pants of most of the women/girls who had worked there... Even the married woman whose husband worked there too.
But - as an asshole - the women soon grew wise to his antics and quite a bit of bickering and conflict would ensue. So, James decided to do what he does so well... crack jokes and play pranks.
One day, as the ass was berating one of the girls for not doing her job the way he wanted her to, James stood behind him sweeping. He waved to get the girl's attention, and then silently mimed like he was blowing up a balloon. Then he pretended to let the air from the balloon flow into his right ear and mimed like it was coming out of his left ear. In other words, he was letting her know that he thought the ass was full of hot air.
She tried to keep a straight face, but could not help but bust up laughing. The ass spun around to look at James and demanded: "What did you say to her?!?!"
James plastered an innocently confused look on his face and asked: "What? You're standing between us. If I had said anything to her, you would have heard me." The ass couldn't argue the point and so stomped off in a huff.
On another day, James decided that his attitude was getting on his nerves, so James felt like a little bit of mischief was in order. He got two pieces of paper and wrote shoot me on one and kick me on the other. Then he put tape on the back of the shoot me sign and on the FRONT of the kick me sign. Putting the signs together so that the shoot me sign would stick but that the kick me sign wouldn't, he very overtly patted the asshole's back and then walked away.
The ass knew something was fishy, so he immediately turned around and saw the kick me sign fall to the ground. He picked it up and smugly crumpled it into a ball, probably thinking my husband was too stupid to put the sign on his back correctly. He even tossed the crumpled up sign at James, who shrugged and acted like he was foiled, no big deal.
For at least an hour - during a lunch rush - ALL the customers that came into the lobby to order food from him as the cashier saw the sign on his back and laughed at him. A soft little snickering laugh that assumed that he was probably trying to be funny on purpose. No one said a word to him!
Eventually, the manager wondered what was so funny, and came over to see for herself. She stopped the ass, turned him around so she could see his back, and then murmured: "Oh," as she walked away. The ass couldn't figure out what was wrong, but was now aware of everyone laughing at him. He continued to do his job for another 10 minutes before the manager finally took pity on him and pulled the sign off his back and handed it to him.
He growled angrily, crumpled it into a ball, and threw it at James. The customers in the lobby at the time now realized that the ass HADN'T known about the sign, and busted up laughing so hard that they couldn't look him in the eye as they tried to order their food.
This was not the end of the shenanigans though. James made it a point of pride to pick on the ass as often as possible, driving him to punch the door to the large walk in cooler/freezer repeatedly.
One night, as James was about to get off work, he grabbed a roll of the stickers that they used to seal the wrappers of the sandwiches made during breakfast. The roll of stickers depicted a smiley sun face. This gave him an idea...
Bringing the roll outside with him, James used the stickers to create a HUGE smiley face on the windshield of the car belonging to the ass. Just as he was finished, the ass came outside to throw away a bag of garbage, and James smiled at him as he said: "Big smile; big smile!"
The ass didn't know what was up, and so was confused. James grabbed a friend, went next door to the Super America gas station to fill up, and then went through the drive through of Hardees to order a meal with his employee discount.
At some point, the ass must have noticed the stickers on his car, because when he heard my husband's voice, he screeched in rage and dove out the drive through window to try to choke him. James took it in stride, acting like nothing out of the ordinary was going on. Of course, a manager saw this behavior and reprimanded the ass.
Shortly thereafter, James turned 18 and got a job at Super America. A month or so later, a girl who worked at Hardees told him that the ass was now on suicide watch. To his credit, James felt a little bad... I think, lol!
But - as an asshole - the women soon grew wise to his antics and quite a bit of bickering and conflict would ensue. So, James decided to do what he does so well... crack jokes and play pranks.
One day, as the ass was berating one of the girls for not doing her job the way he wanted her to, James stood behind him sweeping. He waved to get the girl's attention, and then silently mimed like he was blowing up a balloon. Then he pretended to let the air from the balloon flow into his right ear and mimed like it was coming out of his left ear. In other words, he was letting her know that he thought the ass was full of hot air.
She tried to keep a straight face, but could not help but bust up laughing. The ass spun around to look at James and demanded: "What did you say to her?!?!"
James plastered an innocently confused look on his face and asked: "What? You're standing between us. If I had said anything to her, you would have heard me." The ass couldn't argue the point and so stomped off in a huff.
On another day, James decided that his attitude was getting on his nerves, so James felt like a little bit of mischief was in order. He got two pieces of paper and wrote shoot me on one and kick me on the other. Then he put tape on the back of the shoot me sign and on the FRONT of the kick me sign. Putting the signs together so that the shoot me sign would stick but that the kick me sign wouldn't, he very overtly patted the asshole's back and then walked away.
The ass knew something was fishy, so he immediately turned around and saw the kick me sign fall to the ground. He picked it up and smugly crumpled it into a ball, probably thinking my husband was too stupid to put the sign on his back correctly. He even tossed the crumpled up sign at James, who shrugged and acted like he was foiled, no big deal.
For at least an hour - during a lunch rush - ALL the customers that came into the lobby to order food from him as the cashier saw the sign on his back and laughed at him. A soft little snickering laugh that assumed that he was probably trying to be funny on purpose. No one said a word to him!
Eventually, the manager wondered what was so funny, and came over to see for herself. She stopped the ass, turned him around so she could see his back, and then murmured: "Oh," as she walked away. The ass couldn't figure out what was wrong, but was now aware of everyone laughing at him. He continued to do his job for another 10 minutes before the manager finally took pity on him and pulled the sign off his back and handed it to him.
He growled angrily, crumpled it into a ball, and threw it at James. The customers in the lobby at the time now realized that the ass HADN'T known about the sign, and busted up laughing so hard that they couldn't look him in the eye as they tried to order their food.
This was not the end of the shenanigans though. James made it a point of pride to pick on the ass as often as possible, driving him to punch the door to the large walk in cooler/freezer repeatedly.
One night, as James was about to get off work, he grabbed a roll of the stickers that they used to seal the wrappers of the sandwiches made during breakfast. The roll of stickers depicted a smiley sun face. This gave him an idea...
Bringing the roll outside with him, James used the stickers to create a HUGE smiley face on the windshield of the car belonging to the ass. Just as he was finished, the ass came outside to throw away a bag of garbage, and James smiled at him as he said: "Big smile; big smile!"
The ass didn't know what was up, and so was confused. James grabbed a friend, went next door to the Super America gas station to fill up, and then went through the drive through of Hardees to order a meal with his employee discount.
At some point, the ass must have noticed the stickers on his car, because when he heard my husband's voice, he screeched in rage and dove out the drive through window to try to choke him. James took it in stride, acting like nothing out of the ordinary was going on. Of course, a manager saw this behavior and reprimanded the ass.
Shortly thereafter, James turned 18 and got a job at Super America. A month or so later, a girl who worked at Hardees told him that the ass was now on suicide watch. To his credit, James felt a little bad... I think, lol!
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
An Idea for the Next James Bond Movie
My hubby was in the bathroom doing his laundry when suddenly I hear him bust up laughing, so I ask him what's so funny. He replies:
"In the next James Bond movie, it opens with Bond in a foot chase, being hounded by at least half a dozen unidentified individuals. He knocks a guy off his motorcycle and takes off. The others climb into various vehicles and continue the chase. They go through a dramatic chase of jumps and dodging traffic, and narrowly missing other vehicles on the road.
He finally makes it to an MI6 safe house. While other agents open fire on his pursuers, he makes it to an escape tunnel and escapes to MI6 headquarters. When he arrives, they ask for a debriefing of his encounter, and explain that his pursuers have all been eliminated.
He exclaims: 'Good for you! Damn servers, they've been trying to serve those papers to me for years! 17 kids that I know of and I haven't been served with child support papers once'
Then, the door bursts open, and there's a female agent that shouts: 'Damn you Bond, it's frickin' positive!!!'
To which Bond grabs the agent next to him, throws him at the woman in the doorway, and dives out the window!"
My hubby ends with: "Damn I'm cruel!" as he chuckles maniacally to himself, lol!
"In the next James Bond movie, it opens with Bond in a foot chase, being hounded by at least half a dozen unidentified individuals. He knocks a guy off his motorcycle and takes off. The others climb into various vehicles and continue the chase. They go through a dramatic chase of jumps and dodging traffic, and narrowly missing other vehicles on the road.
He finally makes it to an MI6 safe house. While other agents open fire on his pursuers, he makes it to an escape tunnel and escapes to MI6 headquarters. When he arrives, they ask for a debriefing of his encounter, and explain that his pursuers have all been eliminated.
He exclaims: 'Good for you! Damn servers, they've been trying to serve those papers to me for years! 17 kids that I know of and I haven't been served with child support papers once'
Then, the door bursts open, and there's a female agent that shouts: 'Damn you Bond, it's frickin' positive!!!'
To which Bond grabs the agent next to him, throws him at the woman in the doorway, and dives out the window!"
My hubby ends with: "Damn I'm cruel!" as he chuckles maniacally to himself, lol!
Saturday, January 25, 2014
My compliments to the chef!
Tonight, Gryffin farted, and I went: "Gryffin! What do you say?!"
He merely gets up and brings his plate to the kitchen to put it on the counter.
James replies: My compliments to the chef!"
I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "I still can't believe that there's a culture that considers burping at a table to be a sign of respect and a compliment to the person who cooked."
James laughs. "Can you imagine being at a restaurant and me going into one of those burps that resembles the Fifth Element?"
If you have never seen the movie The Fifth Element, there is a scene in which the main character - the Supreme Being, Leelu - throws her head back and discharges a ton of energy to destroy an invading, moon sized being of pure evil, out of her mouth. James has - on occasion, had to burp so hard and long that it really did resemble this scene, lol!
Anyway, we are both rolling from laughing so hard at the mental image of my husband doing this at a restaurant in which it's considered a compliment. James mimes the burp, and then pretends to pass out afterwards, lol! He says:
"And the chef would be standing off to the side with his hand over his heart and tears pouring from his eyes: 'Never in my life has anyone loved my food so much!'"
I was sitting on a bean bag chair on the floor, laying really, so I literally was rolling on the floor laughing at this point. My hubby continues.
"And the customers sitting across the table would be waving their hands in front of their noses, wishing they had a towel to dry off with and gas masks. They'd send up a pray of thanks that they weren't at the restaurant that expects farts as compliments! That would be hilarious! 'Oh no! Here it comes!'"
He makes a sound like a seriously raunchy fart rolling out longer than thunder. Then he says:
"Sir? Sir! Your compliment can stop there! Sir! We have gas stoves here! It's a fire hazard!" "Sorry, I can't, your problem now!"
Oh Gods! I don't know why, but any time he starts joking about farts, it always cracks me up! It's probably because his jokes are so true to life, lol!
He merely gets up and brings his plate to the kitchen to put it on the counter.
James replies: My compliments to the chef!"
I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "I still can't believe that there's a culture that considers burping at a table to be a sign of respect and a compliment to the person who cooked."
James laughs. "Can you imagine being at a restaurant and me going into one of those burps that resembles the Fifth Element?"
If you have never seen the movie The Fifth Element, there is a scene in which the main character - the Supreme Being, Leelu - throws her head back and discharges a ton of energy to destroy an invading, moon sized being of pure evil, out of her mouth. James has - on occasion, had to burp so hard and long that it really did resemble this scene, lol!
Anyway, we are both rolling from laughing so hard at the mental image of my husband doing this at a restaurant in which it's considered a compliment. James mimes the burp, and then pretends to pass out afterwards, lol! He says:
"And the chef would be standing off to the side with his hand over his heart and tears pouring from his eyes: 'Never in my life has anyone loved my food so much!'"
I was sitting on a bean bag chair on the floor, laying really, so I literally was rolling on the floor laughing at this point. My hubby continues.
"And the customers sitting across the table would be waving their hands in front of their noses, wishing they had a towel to dry off with and gas masks. They'd send up a pray of thanks that they weren't at the restaurant that expects farts as compliments! That would be hilarious! 'Oh no! Here it comes!'"
He makes a sound like a seriously raunchy fart rolling out longer than thunder. Then he says:
"Sir? Sir! Your compliment can stop there! Sir! We have gas stoves here! It's a fire hazard!" "Sorry, I can't, your problem now!"
Oh Gods! I don't know why, but any time he starts joking about farts, it always cracks me up! It's probably because his jokes are so true to life, lol!
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