This weekend, my husband was in the car with his brother, his daughter, and his mother. At one point, they were discussing how people who love Jesus always seem so consumed by passion. My hubby gave an example of a woman - usually wearing an old Dolly Parton style outfit, or possibly something a showgirl would wear - who rubs her body as she says something like: "Jesus is my Savior!"
James then goes on to say to his daughter: "I wonder what your mom would say if she brought you to church and there was a man up there who drops the robes he's in to reveal a sequined-covered spandex suit. Then he oils himself up as he calls out: "Mohammed went to the mountain!"
James says: "At that point, your mom would probably try to drag you out of there, and you (his daughter) would be like: Mom! You're interrupting the sermon!"
At this point, even James mom is damn near hyperventilating from laughing too hard. His daughter - completely red in the face - chokes out: "Shut up!" But she can't stop laughing either, lol!
Hubby then asks his daughter: "I wonder what your grandma would do if she went to church and saw that? I bet she'd have a stroke! However, they wouldn't have to worry about passing the collection plate around anymore; people would be throwing their money up at the pulpit!"
Hmm... Maybe I should found a church like that...
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
I can't get that taste out of my mouth!
James makes chainmail. Most of the time, it's fetish wear such as bikinis for women, but when he was first starting out, he made lots of little things just to get the hang of it. For example, he made several hacky sack balls out of chainmail. (Hacky sack is a game in which the player tries to keep the ball off the ground for as long as possible using only his foot.) He also made a pouch to hold the balls.
One day, we were going somewhere with some friends of ours - C and T. C is James best friend to this day, and he likes helping James out with the chainmail from time to time. At one point C had to stick one of the hacky sacks in his mouth so that his hands were free to properly buckle his seat belt. After he got his belt buckled, he continued to examine the ball for a few minutes, but then he suddenly blurts out:
"Oh man James! I can't get the taste of your balls out of my mouth!"
James almost drove right off the road!
One day, we were going somewhere with some friends of ours - C and T. C is James best friend to this day, and he likes helping James out with the chainmail from time to time. At one point C had to stick one of the hacky sacks in his mouth so that his hands were free to properly buckle his seat belt. After he got his belt buckled, he continued to examine the ball for a few minutes, but then he suddenly blurts out:
"Oh man James! I can't get the taste of your balls out of my mouth!"
James almost drove right off the road!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
A Twisted Sense of Humor
My hubby has a twisted sense of humor. However, some of his humor comes from being a guy, lol! For example, how many guys do you know that would do this?
One day when our first son was only about 2 months old, I laid him down for a nap and he was sleeping peacefully. Then he fussed a bit and my husband went to go check on him because I was concentrating on something else. A couple of minutes later, he came back out into the kitchen where I was standing next to my mom. James appeared to have swaddled the baby into a nice little bundle, which he cradled in his arms. He looks over at me, grins, and says: "Here, catch!"
I screamed in terror as he promptly threw the bundle at me. As far apart as we were, I knew that I would never catch it! I watched in horror as the blanket opened wide to drop my baby on the floor... and then James bust up laughing.
My mother was clutching her chest as if having a heart attack, and she shouted at James: "Don't DO that to me!"
Meanwhile, I was panting in terror, and searching the blanket that was now on the floor for my baby. James - still laughing - tells me: "Don't worry! He's still in his swing, sleeping." He then points to the swing which is right in the kitchen with us, but that both me and my mother had forgotten about in the heat of the moment!
I about KILLED him!
One day when our first son was only about 2 months old, I laid him down for a nap and he was sleeping peacefully. Then he fussed a bit and my husband went to go check on him because I was concentrating on something else. A couple of minutes later, he came back out into the kitchen where I was standing next to my mom. James appeared to have swaddled the baby into a nice little bundle, which he cradled in his arms. He looks over at me, grins, and says: "Here, catch!"
I screamed in terror as he promptly threw the bundle at me. As far apart as we were, I knew that I would never catch it! I watched in horror as the blanket opened wide to drop my baby on the floor... and then James bust up laughing.
My mother was clutching her chest as if having a heart attack, and she shouted at James: "Don't DO that to me!"
Meanwhile, I was panting in terror, and searching the blanket that was now on the floor for my baby. James - still laughing - tells me: "Don't worry! He's still in his swing, sleeping." He then points to the swing which is right in the kitchen with us, but that both me and my mother had forgotten about in the heat of the moment!
I about KILLED him!
Monday, April 22, 2013
That's your son?!?!
When my hubby was 13, he finally got to go visit his dad at his place in Las Vegas. His dad had decided that he wanted James to meet some of his other relatives, so he had driven all the way to Minnesota to pick James up. They left MN and went to Wisconsin to James' grandmother's house. This was the first time he had seen his dad in years, and the first time he had ever met his grandparents.
When they were still several miles from his grandparents house, they hit a snag. While trying to pass a pickup truck, the driver suddenly slammed on his brakes and turned left in front of them. In James' opinion, the accident would have been a little less annoying had he not JUST opened a bottle of Pepsi. A nice big 20-oz plastic bottle. The initial clenching action of his fists from being startled by the accident emptied the bottle all over the windshield like a geyser.
After making sure everyone was okay, James took out his camera and proceeded to take pictures of the car with its hood up to the windshield, and of the accident in general. Nothing like having pictures to remember your first visit with your dad! To which his father commented: "Do you HAVE to take pictures of that?" James replied: "Come on! This is my vacation; I gotta have pictures to show my mom!"
On a side note: they had just rear ended a pickup truck in a vehicle that had just been repaired a few weeks earlier from hitting a pickup truck head on. James' next comment was: "So, are you going to fix it up so it can get T-boned now?" He received no answer to that question. (However, his dad did actually have that car fixed. The next time James visited him, he asked: "Do I need to keep my eyes open for pickups?")
So after the car was towed, they were sitting at the local police station filling out the accident report, and James gets to meet his grandfather for the first time. He picked them up and brought them to his house where they were supposed to go.
Later on, it was decided that he - James' grandpa - would drive with them to Vegas in HIS car, and that James' grandma would fly in a bit later on for a family visit. When they arrived in Las Vegas, they went to James's stepmother's work. Hubby finds out that his dad has not yet told his wife that her newly repaired vehicle is now sitting in a shop waiting to be fixed, again. So, James' dad decided to go inside and explain things to her before bringing her out.
James waited in the parking lot with his grandfather, resting by laying on the trunk of his car. At 13, my hubby was already about 6 foot 1, and so he easily took up most of the space on the trunk. Just so you know, his dad is shorter than him, barely even with James' shoulder.
Eventually, his dad comes back out with his wife. Her first question was: "Where's my car?" Apparently, she thought her husband was joking about it being in a shop. She's a slender Vietnamese woman that is even shorter than her husband: probably about a foot shorter than James!
As they approached the car, she smiles and says: "So this is your son." She has her hand out to shake James' hand. James stands up from the car and puts his hand out. At which point, she snapped her hand back to her chest and fell backwards into her husband's arms, exclaiming: "That's your son?!"
Although politically incorrect, the first thought to run through James head; as she fell back; he could just hear a little voice saying: "Ack! Godzilla!" Also in the back of his head, he heard a voice tell him to: "Put your hand down, idiot!"
All in all, it was NOT the best first meeting, lol!
James NEXT visit to their house was on Christmas about a year or so later. He got to meet some of his stepmother's family. It was an interesting meeting; as the first person walked up to him, he looks WAY up and said with a heavy Vietnamese accent - which sounded funny to James: "Ooo! You must play football!" James replied with a simple no. The relative asks: "Basketball?" "No..." "Whatchoo do?"
"I draw," James stated in a deadpan voice. He stopped asking questions after that...
Later that day - Christmas Eve - James was asked if he wanted to go bowling, which he thought was odd being that it was a holiday. In MN, the place would probably have been closed. In any case, hoping for some activity with his dad, and the fact that James loves bowling, it seemed like a fun thing to do.
It wasn't until right before they left that he found out that his dad wasn't going. James would be going with his stepmom's family. This was rather annoying because the purpose of his visit was to spend time with his dad, but because of work, James had mostly spent time by himself reading a book.
Anyway, James went bowling with a group of about 10 Vietnamese people that he didn't really know - not including his stepmother - and as anyone who has ever gone bowling knows, the first thing you do is get your shoes. The worker was asking everyone for their shoe sizes and received a bunch of requests for 4s and 5s. At last it's James turn, and he says: "Size 11." He could see the confused look on the guy's face as he wondered out loud: "Are you with THIS group?"
To James surprise, they bowled really well. On the other hand, he averaged about 90, which was really good for him at the time. However, he wasn't having fun being part of a group of people he didn't know. (He's painfully shy, especially back then.)
On his way back home - during the flight - he gets more surprises. When he got on the plane, he found out that they had apparently double booked his seat. So they brought him to the front of the plane to wait to see if they could find him a different seat, and then finally decided that since there was no one sitting there, they would put him in the very front of the first class section.
"Finally! Some leg room!" He exclaimed.
Thinking he had just lucked out, he opened a comic book and lay it out across his lap, he leaned back for a nice big stretch; head back, yawning. At that exact moment, the plane lurches, and he thought: "All right! We're about to take off and I can read my comic book and relax the whole flight."
But as he glances out the plane window, he sees snow coming down. It took him a few moments to realize that they weren't leaving. They had just locked onto the terminal... in MN! He realized that when he leaned back, he had fallen asleep! He'd spent the entire two hour flight passed out with his mouth open!
"That had to be hilarious to the stewardesses," he grumbles to himself as he gathered his things and then left the plan. But it could have been worse. At least he wasn't gripping the arms of the seat in terror the entire time!
When they were still several miles from his grandparents house, they hit a snag. While trying to pass a pickup truck, the driver suddenly slammed on his brakes and turned left in front of them. In James' opinion, the accident would have been a little less annoying had he not JUST opened a bottle of Pepsi. A nice big 20-oz plastic bottle. The initial clenching action of his fists from being startled by the accident emptied the bottle all over the windshield like a geyser.
After making sure everyone was okay, James took out his camera and proceeded to take pictures of the car with its hood up to the windshield, and of the accident in general. Nothing like having pictures to remember your first visit with your dad! To which his father commented: "Do you HAVE to take pictures of that?" James replied: "Come on! This is my vacation; I gotta have pictures to show my mom!"
On a side note: they had just rear ended a pickup truck in a vehicle that had just been repaired a few weeks earlier from hitting a pickup truck head on. James' next comment was: "So, are you going to fix it up so it can get T-boned now?" He received no answer to that question. (However, his dad did actually have that car fixed. The next time James visited him, he asked: "Do I need to keep my eyes open for pickups?")
So after the car was towed, they were sitting at the local police station filling out the accident report, and James gets to meet his grandfather for the first time. He picked them up and brought them to his house where they were supposed to go.
Later on, it was decided that he - James' grandpa - would drive with them to Vegas in HIS car, and that James' grandma would fly in a bit later on for a family visit. When they arrived in Las Vegas, they went to James's stepmother's work. Hubby finds out that his dad has not yet told his wife that her newly repaired vehicle is now sitting in a shop waiting to be fixed, again. So, James' dad decided to go inside and explain things to her before bringing her out.
James waited in the parking lot with his grandfather, resting by laying on the trunk of his car. At 13, my hubby was already about 6 foot 1, and so he easily took up most of the space on the trunk. Just so you know, his dad is shorter than him, barely even with James' shoulder.
Eventually, his dad comes back out with his wife. Her first question was: "Where's my car?" Apparently, she thought her husband was joking about it being in a shop. She's a slender Vietnamese woman that is even shorter than her husband: probably about a foot shorter than James!
As they approached the car, she smiles and says: "So this is your son." She has her hand out to shake James' hand. James stands up from the car and puts his hand out. At which point, she snapped her hand back to her chest and fell backwards into her husband's arms, exclaiming: "That's your son?!"
Although politically incorrect, the first thought to run through James head; as she fell back; he could just hear a little voice saying: "Ack! Godzilla!" Also in the back of his head, he heard a voice tell him to: "Put your hand down, idiot!"
All in all, it was NOT the best first meeting, lol!
James NEXT visit to their house was on Christmas about a year or so later. He got to meet some of his stepmother's family. It was an interesting meeting; as the first person walked up to him, he looks WAY up and said with a heavy Vietnamese accent - which sounded funny to James: "Ooo! You must play football!" James replied with a simple no. The relative asks: "Basketball?" "No..." "Whatchoo do?"
"I draw," James stated in a deadpan voice. He stopped asking questions after that...
Later that day - Christmas Eve - James was asked if he wanted to go bowling, which he thought was odd being that it was a holiday. In MN, the place would probably have been closed. In any case, hoping for some activity with his dad, and the fact that James loves bowling, it seemed like a fun thing to do.
It wasn't until right before they left that he found out that his dad wasn't going. James would be going with his stepmom's family. This was rather annoying because the purpose of his visit was to spend time with his dad, but because of work, James had mostly spent time by himself reading a book.
Anyway, James went bowling with a group of about 10 Vietnamese people that he didn't really know - not including his stepmother - and as anyone who has ever gone bowling knows, the first thing you do is get your shoes. The worker was asking everyone for their shoe sizes and received a bunch of requests for 4s and 5s. At last it's James turn, and he says: "Size 11." He could see the confused look on the guy's face as he wondered out loud: "Are you with THIS group?"
To James surprise, they bowled really well. On the other hand, he averaged about 90, which was really good for him at the time. However, he wasn't having fun being part of a group of people he didn't know. (He's painfully shy, especially back then.)
On his way back home - during the flight - he gets more surprises. When he got on the plane, he found out that they had apparently double booked his seat. So they brought him to the front of the plane to wait to see if they could find him a different seat, and then finally decided that since there was no one sitting there, they would put him in the very front of the first class section.
"Finally! Some leg room!" He exclaimed.
Thinking he had just lucked out, he opened a comic book and lay it out across his lap, he leaned back for a nice big stretch; head back, yawning. At that exact moment, the plane lurches, and he thought: "All right! We're about to take off and I can read my comic book and relax the whole flight."
But as he glances out the plane window, he sees snow coming down. It took him a few moments to realize that they weren't leaving. They had just locked onto the terminal... in MN! He realized that when he leaned back, he had fallen asleep! He'd spent the entire two hour flight passed out with his mouth open!
"That had to be hilarious to the stewardesses," he grumbles to himself as he gathered his things and then left the plan. But it could have been worse. At least he wasn't gripping the arms of the seat in terror the entire time!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
An Embarrassing Quickie
(Written exactly as James narrated it to me, CRINGE!)
Here's a quickie that'll embarrass my wife. Early on in our marriage, Roxie and I - having long since had similar senses of humor - one day as we were leaving the mall, we started driving out of the parking lot, and came to a set of lights. As soon as we stopped, Roxie started letting out a rather loud, somewhat long burp. Moments after she begins her burp, I chime in with my own burp. As she finishes her burp, I cut mine off and say: "Come on Hon, we're not quite in sync. Let's do it again! One two three!" BURP! "Come on honey, you're not even trying!"
At this point, she is doubled over laughing. Thank God she wasn't driving!
Ladies, you know your husband does this kind of stuff too, lol!
(He's right, I'm tempted to hide my head in shame...)
Here's a quickie that'll embarrass my wife. Early on in our marriage, Roxie and I - having long since had similar senses of humor - one day as we were leaving the mall, we started driving out of the parking lot, and came to a set of lights. As soon as we stopped, Roxie started letting out a rather loud, somewhat long burp. Moments after she begins her burp, I chime in with my own burp. As she finishes her burp, I cut mine off and say: "Come on Hon, we're not quite in sync. Let's do it again! One two three!" BURP! "Come on honey, you're not even trying!"
At this point, she is doubled over laughing. Thank God she wasn't driving!
Ladies, you know your husband does this kind of stuff too, lol!
(He's right, I'm tempted to hide my head in shame...)
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
The Sledgehammer Incident
Back when James worked at Cummins Onan, one of the clowns, um er co-workers, was supposed to be training in a new temp. However, his idea of training was sitting on his ass on a chair telling the guy what to do rather than showing how to do it or making sure that anything was actually getting done. After a while, the new temp was disgusted by the lack of real training, and was afraid that he would get fired because he wasn't able to do what he was supposed to.
The guy that was supposed to be training him wandered off, so my hubby asked the temp to come over to his section and train with him. Eventually, the yutz comes back to discover that the trainee had defected. So he decided to wander over into my husband's area and try to tell him how to do his job.
This is someone who shows up to work late, doesn't even do his own job, and often tells others to slow down so that they don't make him and his cronies look bad. However, even his cronies - who took frequent coffee breaks, couldn't stand him and often sent him to my hubby's area just to get rid of him.
Anyway, at one point, he gets right in my hubby's face. James does not appreciate being told what to do by someone like him, and decided to hold up a large, 16-lb sledgehammer and loudly and emphatically tell this man: "If you ever get in my face again, I'm going to shove this sledgehammer up your ass!"
The yutz wisely walked away.
The next morning, the area supervisor - Hubby's boss's boss, the same man who introduced a temp to my hubby when James said his name was Satan - comes walking over to ask about the "incident." James quickly explained what had been going on with the yutz not doing his job, and how he got upset when the yutz got in his face. He then told his boss straight out: "So yeah I told him that I would shove a sledgehammer up his ass, and I'm telling you right now that if he ever gets in my face again, I will!"
Roger - his boss - dropped his head into his hand, rubbed his forehead as if he suddenly had a headache, but then walked away. He didn't say a word, and James could almost hear him thinking: "I need this employee... I can't get anyone else to work in this department."
About 2 hours later, there was an announcement that James had an emergency phone call. James rushes to answer it, and it turned out to be his mom, who said: "A state trooper called, trying to find you. He needs you to contact him immediately." So hubby called the police officer, and was told:
"We have a report that your vehicle passed a schoolbus at high speeds." This was in a town that my hubby had never heard of. "The report describes your vehicle as a dark pickup that passed the bus at about 7am."
James says: "First of all, at 7am the sun was up, and my truck is a bright, flaming, cherry red. At 7am, there's no way my truck could be described as dark. And besides, I've been at work since 6am."
The cop asks: "Can anyone confirm that?"
James replies: "At 7am, I was in a meeting with my boss."
The cop wonders: "Can he confirm this? Will he remember the meeting?"
James states: "Well, the meeting was about shoving a sledgehammer up a co-worker's ass. I'm pretty sure that one is going to stick with him for a while!"
The line went totally silent for a few seconds until my hubby says: "Hello?"
The cop responds with: "Uh... we may need to contact you later."
Hubby snorts: "I doubt it. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to check on my truck and make sure that it hasn't been stolen!" And then he hung up.
It turns out that hubby's truck wasn't stolen, and the cop never called back.
I personally have to wonder what was going through that cop's head when my hubby told him that, lmao!
The guy that was supposed to be training him wandered off, so my hubby asked the temp to come over to his section and train with him. Eventually, the yutz comes back to discover that the trainee had defected. So he decided to wander over into my husband's area and try to tell him how to do his job.
This is someone who shows up to work late, doesn't even do his own job, and often tells others to slow down so that they don't make him and his cronies look bad. However, even his cronies - who took frequent coffee breaks, couldn't stand him and often sent him to my hubby's area just to get rid of him.
Anyway, at one point, he gets right in my hubby's face. James does not appreciate being told what to do by someone like him, and decided to hold up a large, 16-lb sledgehammer and loudly and emphatically tell this man: "If you ever get in my face again, I'm going to shove this sledgehammer up your ass!"
The yutz wisely walked away.
The next morning, the area supervisor - Hubby's boss's boss, the same man who introduced a temp to my hubby when James said his name was Satan - comes walking over to ask about the "incident." James quickly explained what had been going on with the yutz not doing his job, and how he got upset when the yutz got in his face. He then told his boss straight out: "So yeah I told him that I would shove a sledgehammer up his ass, and I'm telling you right now that if he ever gets in my face again, I will!"
Roger - his boss - dropped his head into his hand, rubbed his forehead as if he suddenly had a headache, but then walked away. He didn't say a word, and James could almost hear him thinking: "I need this employee... I can't get anyone else to work in this department."
About 2 hours later, there was an announcement that James had an emergency phone call. James rushes to answer it, and it turned out to be his mom, who said: "A state trooper called, trying to find you. He needs you to contact him immediately." So hubby called the police officer, and was told:
"We have a report that your vehicle passed a schoolbus at high speeds." This was in a town that my hubby had never heard of. "The report describes your vehicle as a dark pickup that passed the bus at about 7am."
James says: "First of all, at 7am the sun was up, and my truck is a bright, flaming, cherry red. At 7am, there's no way my truck could be described as dark. And besides, I've been at work since 6am."
The cop asks: "Can anyone confirm that?"
James replies: "At 7am, I was in a meeting with my boss."
The cop wonders: "Can he confirm this? Will he remember the meeting?"
James states: "Well, the meeting was about shoving a sledgehammer up a co-worker's ass. I'm pretty sure that one is going to stick with him for a while!"
The line went totally silent for a few seconds until my hubby says: "Hello?"
The cop responds with: "Uh... we may need to contact you later."
Hubby snorts: "I doubt it. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to check on my truck and make sure that it hasn't been stolen!" And then he hung up.
It turns out that hubby's truck wasn't stolen, and the cop never called back.
I personally have to wonder what was going through that cop's head when my hubby told him that, lmao!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
What did my radio ever do to you?
Shortly after moving into his first apartment, Hubby needed to go grocery shopping one day. When
he said that he was going to go, his roommate and roommate's girlfriend - J - immediately said that they needed to pick up some stuff as well, and asked to ride along.
There was another friend over at the time, a girl - E. So they all climbed into the car, the two guys up front, and the two girls in the back. On their way to the car, James had picked up the mail. As it was a tiny black 84 Chrysler Lazer, there was very little room. He hadn't minded that J was smoking as she walked to the car and got in. When he started the car, he reached down to the shifter between the seats and put the car in reverse. Immediately, he felt a hot searing pain in the back of his elbow,
and damn near screamed as his arm shot forward and he ended up punching out the radio. Everyone
in the car was wondering what the hell was wrong with him.
J suddenly complained that he had crushed her cigarette. He replies, "Yeah, with the back of my elbow! What the hell were you thinking!"
The cherry of her cigarette had burned him! So with the back of his arm burning - a blister
forming - and his knuckles bleeding, everyone started laughing at him. Grumbling, James finally
pulled out of the parking lot and headed out to the grocery store.
They got about 2 blocks from the grocery store and got stuck in traffic. So, Hubby starts looking through his mail. He opens his phone bill, and pulls out a page full of stickers advertising a long distance deal of 10 cents per minute. From the back of the car, one of the girls asked for the stickers, so he handed them over.
About a minute later, he notices movement in the back of the car and glances in the
rearview mirror to find that they had stripped off their button-up shirts AND the teeshirts they
wore underneath - plus their bras - and were now completely topless.
You have to realize that he wasn't dating either of them, and yet in the middle of traffic, they
have gotten half naked. He roars the question, "What are you doing?!" They assure him that they
aren't naked - as they have stuck the blue phone stickers over their nipples.
They eventually arrived at the grocery store, and hubby decides to keep to himself because they have already gone crazy in his opinion. A few minutes later, he realized that they were still close by with only their button up shirts on, but they were hanging open. He says: "Please button up your shirts! I shop here a lot and don't want to get banned!"
J replies: "Don't worry, we're covered!" As she pulls her shirt open even more. To which he quickly hastened away to shop and pretend that he didn't know them. As he's in the meat section, he suddenly and unexpectedly headbutted the counter because each of the girls had decided to grab one of his ass cheeks, and then quickly ran off when they saw his head bounce off the rack.
After consoling his wounded pride, he turns to see them on either side of his roommate. Opting for payback, he snuck up behind them, and then goosed them so hard that they were both lifted a good 2 inches off the floor. And for those of you that don't know, goosing is when a guy shoves a couple of fingers into the crotch area of the victim, lol!
The dual high-pitched, blood curdling scream drew tons of curious stares, but by the time anyone looked, he had already shifted his hands to their shoulders. After which, they both whimpered: "Please don't kill us!" But he couldn't stop laughing.
All and all, it was a pretty eventful shopping trip, lmao!
he said that he was going to go, his roommate and roommate's girlfriend - J - immediately said that they needed to pick up some stuff as well, and asked to ride along.
There was another friend over at the time, a girl - E. So they all climbed into the car, the two guys up front, and the two girls in the back. On their way to the car, James had picked up the mail. As it was a tiny black 84 Chrysler Lazer, there was very little room. He hadn't minded that J was smoking as she walked to the car and got in. When he started the car, he reached down to the shifter between the seats and put the car in reverse. Immediately, he felt a hot searing pain in the back of his elbow,
and damn near screamed as his arm shot forward and he ended up punching out the radio. Everyone
in the car was wondering what the hell was wrong with him.
J suddenly complained that he had crushed her cigarette. He replies, "Yeah, with the back of my elbow! What the hell were you thinking!"
The cherry of her cigarette had burned him! So with the back of his arm burning - a blister
forming - and his knuckles bleeding, everyone started laughing at him. Grumbling, James finally
pulled out of the parking lot and headed out to the grocery store.
They got about 2 blocks from the grocery store and got stuck in traffic. So, Hubby starts looking through his mail. He opens his phone bill, and pulls out a page full of stickers advertising a long distance deal of 10 cents per minute. From the back of the car, one of the girls asked for the stickers, so he handed them over.
About a minute later, he notices movement in the back of the car and glances in the
rearview mirror to find that they had stripped off their button-up shirts AND the teeshirts they
wore underneath - plus their bras - and were now completely topless.
You have to realize that he wasn't dating either of them, and yet in the middle of traffic, they
have gotten half naked. He roars the question, "What are you doing?!" They assure him that they
aren't naked - as they have stuck the blue phone stickers over their nipples.
They eventually arrived at the grocery store, and hubby decides to keep to himself because they have already gone crazy in his opinion. A few minutes later, he realized that they were still close by with only their button up shirts on, but they were hanging open. He says: "Please button up your shirts! I shop here a lot and don't want to get banned!"
J replies: "Don't worry, we're covered!" As she pulls her shirt open even more. To which he quickly hastened away to shop and pretend that he didn't know them. As he's in the meat section, he suddenly and unexpectedly headbutted the counter because each of the girls had decided to grab one of his ass cheeks, and then quickly ran off when they saw his head bounce off the rack.
After consoling his wounded pride, he turns to see them on either side of his roommate. Opting for payback, he snuck up behind them, and then goosed them so hard that they were both lifted a good 2 inches off the floor. And for those of you that don't know, goosing is when a guy shoves a couple of fingers into the crotch area of the victim, lol!
The dual high-pitched, blood curdling scream drew tons of curious stares, but by the time anyone looked, he had already shifted his hands to their shoulders. After which, they both whimpered: "Please don't kill us!" But he couldn't stop laughing.
All and all, it was a pretty eventful shopping trip, lmao!
Hi, my name is Satan!
Once upon a time ago, while my husband was working at Cummins Onan, he worked in a section where he built the housing for generators - which were between the size of a small pickup truck and a
cargo van. One day, because he was pretty much the only person who worked in that area full time,
his boss Roger brought over a new temp to be trained in Hubby's department.
James was having one of those days where he just did not give a damn what anyone thought. Roger was showing the temp around, and James realized that he was going to have to train in someone, so he walked over to them, and Roger said: "This is who will be training you in -"
James cut him off, stepping forward with his hand out and - completely straight faced - said: "Hi nice to meet you. Name's Satan; welcome to Hell. If you'll follow me, I'll show you where we torture the souls." And then he began walking away - still completely straight faced. At this point, Roger had his hand over his eyes, turned and started walking away; mumbling, leaving the new trainee looking back and forth between them in confusion and apprehension.
James stopped, turned back to the temp, and - a beckoning motion - said: "Come, I have such things to show you." He now tells me that if you don't get the reference, to go watch the Hellraiser movies, lol!
At some point, I hope to get hubby to record his anecdotes in his own voice so you can hear the funny voices and strange noises he makes, lol! But for now, please enjoy his experiences written down as he tells them to me :-)
cargo van. One day, because he was pretty much the only person who worked in that area full time,
his boss Roger brought over a new temp to be trained in Hubby's department.
James was having one of those days where he just did not give a damn what anyone thought. Roger was showing the temp around, and James realized that he was going to have to train in someone, so he walked over to them, and Roger said: "This is who will be training you in -"
James cut him off, stepping forward with his hand out and - completely straight faced - said: "Hi nice to meet you. Name's Satan; welcome to Hell. If you'll follow me, I'll show you where we torture the souls." And then he began walking away - still completely straight faced. At this point, Roger had his hand over his eyes, turned and started walking away; mumbling, leaving the new trainee looking back and forth between them in confusion and apprehension.
James stopped, turned back to the temp, and - a beckoning motion - said: "Come, I have such things to show you." He now tells me that if you don't get the reference, to go watch the Hellraiser movies, lol!
At some point, I hope to get hubby to record his anecdotes in his own voice so you can hear the funny voices and strange noises he makes, lol! But for now, please enjoy his experiences written down as he tells them to me :-)
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