The other night, hubby and I were talking in bed when I said: "I still think that Mother Nature should have biologically linked the father of a baby to it so that when a baby is born, the father starts to lactate too. This would ensure that at least one parents could feed it, both could bond with it if they wanted, and it would come in handy if you had twins or more. Not to mention, just think if you weren't sure who the father was, just keep an eye on the candidates to see which one starts producing milk! :-) "
James laughs. "Yeah, but I still like that old joke about the doctor that invented the machine."
"Remind me?"
James snuggles up to me and gets comfy. "A couple goes into the Hospital to have a baby and the doctor says: I've invented a machine that allows the father to share some of the pain of labor. You want to try it?
The husband says sure and the doctor turns it on low. The husband says: This is nothing, turn it up! The doctor complies by turning it up halfway but the husband simply shrugs. This is still nothing, turn it all the way up!
The doctor is nervous. Are you sure??? The husband is sure so the doctor cranks it all the way up and the wife delivers her baby pain free. Later on, they are discharged from the hospital and go home, only to find the mailman laying dead in front of their porch. Ba-da-dum!"
I laugh and then we went to sleep.
Yesterday, as we were out and about for Phoenix's birthday, my hubby tells me. "I never really understood it before, but now I do."
"Huh?"
"How you could tell me that I did something in one of your dreams that pissed you off and so you got mad at ME. Well, last night, I had a dream in which I wanted to kill all three of you because in the dream, I came home from school to find that you had left the baby in it's carrier ON THE PORCH in the dead of WINTER! It was still alive, but I wanted to toss all three of you out to see how you liked it!"
"Oh man! Honey, I would never do that!"
"I know, but still, you came to bed right about them and I wanted to punch you and chuck you out of the bed!"
I laughed. "Well I'm glad you didn't!"
Well no wonder he was cranky, lol!
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Effin' Auto correct!
Hubby busts out with a "pfft!" as he shakes his phone. "Oh come on! I know I spelled spaghetti wrong, but if you can suggest pasta as a correction - if you KNOW that spaghetti is a pasta, then shouldn't you know how to frickin' spell spaghetti?!?!"
I'm laughing as he chuckles and then mutters: "I KNOW how to spell pasta you stupid son of a bitch..."
But it IS kind of funny, because if you think about it, pasta is NOTHING like spaghetti in spelling, lol!
I'm laughing as he chuckles and then mutters: "I KNOW how to spell pasta you stupid son of a bitch..."
But it IS kind of funny, because if you think about it, pasta is NOTHING like spaghetti in spelling, lol!
Monday, October 28, 2013
Oh darn, it's locked...
James turned to me and said:
"Today in class (welding) there was a guy that lost both the keys to the lock on his locker and he couldn't get into it. So the teacher offered to cut the lock off for him, but just as he was about to, I offered to try to pick the lock for him. I grabbed my lock pick out of my locker and then tried my best to pop the lock. For whatever reason, this particular lock refused to open, and so the teacher gave me the tool to cut it off anyway.
"Meanwhile, another guy in class asked me: Did you know that you can make a triangle lock pick from a pop can? To which I replied: Yep, I saw that on youtube. That's when I noticed that the rest of the guys in class were looking at each other nervously like they were thinking: Shit! Our stuff isn't safe! One guy even laughed and made a comment: Remind me not to buy any Master locks around you!"
James laughs and then adds: "So the teacher asked me where I had learned to pick locks and I told him: Autobody class.
They teach you how to pick locks in autobody class?!?!
Well no, but sometimes we had to get into old cars that had been donated to the school, and it was just easiest to pop the lock rather than Slim Jim them.
The teacher joked to the rest of the class: Careful! Jim's going to be out there popping locks in the parking lot!
I laughed. Nah! I've only picked two locks in the parking lot...
The teacher gave me this look like he was thinking: Wait, what?
I laughed, but didn't tell him that it's true. A girl locked herself out of her car once and needed my help to open it."
I laughed because I know my hubby likes to imply things and leave people wondering, lol!
"Today in class (welding) there was a guy that lost both the keys to the lock on his locker and he couldn't get into it. So the teacher offered to cut the lock off for him, but just as he was about to, I offered to try to pick the lock for him. I grabbed my lock pick out of my locker and then tried my best to pop the lock. For whatever reason, this particular lock refused to open, and so the teacher gave me the tool to cut it off anyway.
"Meanwhile, another guy in class asked me: Did you know that you can make a triangle lock pick from a pop can? To which I replied: Yep, I saw that on youtube. That's when I noticed that the rest of the guys in class were looking at each other nervously like they were thinking: Shit! Our stuff isn't safe! One guy even laughed and made a comment: Remind me not to buy any Master locks around you!"
James laughs and then adds: "So the teacher asked me where I had learned to pick locks and I told him: Autobody class.
They teach you how to pick locks in autobody class?!?!
Well no, but sometimes we had to get into old cars that had been donated to the school, and it was just easiest to pop the lock rather than Slim Jim them.
The teacher joked to the rest of the class: Careful! Jim's going to be out there popping locks in the parking lot!
I laughed. Nah! I've only picked two locks in the parking lot...
The teacher gave me this look like he was thinking: Wait, what?
I laughed, but didn't tell him that it's true. A girl locked herself out of her car once and needed my help to open it."
I laughed because I know my hubby likes to imply things and leave people wondering, lol!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
They did what with that dog?!
As we were laying in bed talking tonight, not sure why, but that recent news article about the Marine and his wife that got into trouble for letting their dog have WAY too much fun with wifey and getting it on video AND posting it to the internet came up. It's shameful that such things happen because it gives the men who serve our country a bad reputation. Also, if they were hurting the dog, we'd be part of the mob demanding justice.
That said, they weren't hurting the dog. They were doing the opposite of hurting the dog. They were letting the dog have as much fun as he wanted. As repugnant as WE feel that is, it's VERY different than actually hurting the dog, and I'm not really sure why it's being punished so harshly.
Anyway, hubby chuckles and says: "That reminds me of that old vet joke!"
"Which joke?" I wonder curiously.
"You know, the one where there are three dogs in the vet's office waiting for be dealt with. The first dog says: What are you in here for? I'm here because I'm a digger and I dug up all the master's flowers, so I'm going to be put down.
The second dog says: I'm here because I'm a pisser. I piss on everything, so I'm going to be put down. What about you? He asks the third dog.
Oh me? Well, I'm a humper. I hump everything. Just yesterday, I saw the master's wife bend over as she was getting out of the shower. I couldn't help it! I jumped up on her and started humping away!
The first two dogs look at each other and nod: Ah, so you're getting put down too.
Nope! The third dogs assures them. I'm just here to get my nails clipped.
Ba-dum-dum! lol!
That said, they weren't hurting the dog. They were doing the opposite of hurting the dog. They were letting the dog have as much fun as he wanted. As repugnant as WE feel that is, it's VERY different than actually hurting the dog, and I'm not really sure why it's being punished so harshly.
Anyway, hubby chuckles and says: "That reminds me of that old vet joke!"
"Which joke?" I wonder curiously.
"You know, the one where there are three dogs in the vet's office waiting for be dealt with. The first dog says: What are you in here for? I'm here because I'm a digger and I dug up all the master's flowers, so I'm going to be put down.
The second dog says: I'm here because I'm a pisser. I piss on everything, so I'm going to be put down. What about you? He asks the third dog.
Oh me? Well, I'm a humper. I hump everything. Just yesterday, I saw the master's wife bend over as she was getting out of the shower. I couldn't help it! I jumped up on her and started humping away!
The first two dogs look at each other and nod: Ah, so you're getting put down too.
Nope! The third dogs assures them. I'm just here to get my nails clipped.
Ba-dum-dum! lol!
Sunday, August 25, 2013
A Homeschooling Conversation
Gryffin (8) asks: "If an eel is electric, then why doesn't it electrocute the entire ocean?"
Mama: "Because it's not strong enough. The fish in front of him would probably die, but nothing else would."
Daddy: "Think of it this way, if a man was holding a grenade and pulled the pin and it exploded in his hand, he would be a goner, but if you were standing 20 feet away, you probably wouldn't be effected at all."
Mama: "Yeah he would, he'd be like EW!"
Daddy: "Yeah, he'd probably need to take a shower!"
Mama laughs and Gryffin makes a sound of understanding then walks away.
Daddy continues: "The Sargent would be like, 'You've got privates on you!'"
Mama: "But he was a Corporal..."
Daddy: "Yeah I know, but you have the Corporal's privates on you!"
Mama: "Oh man, I didn't even notice! I gotta go wash them off, ew..."
There's nothing like a good analogy, lol!
Mama: "Because it's not strong enough. The fish in front of him would probably die, but nothing else would."
Daddy: "Think of it this way, if a man was holding a grenade and pulled the pin and it exploded in his hand, he would be a goner, but if you were standing 20 feet away, you probably wouldn't be effected at all."
Mama: "Yeah he would, he'd be like EW!"
Daddy: "Yeah, he'd probably need to take a shower!"
Mama laughs and Gryffin makes a sound of understanding then walks away.
Daddy continues: "The Sargent would be like, 'You've got privates on you!'"
Mama: "But he was a Corporal..."
Daddy: "Yeah I know, but you have the Corporal's privates on you!"
Mama: "Oh man, I didn't even notice! I gotta go wash them off, ew..."
There's nothing like a good analogy, lol!
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Random Memory
Today we were watching an episode of fringe when my hubby suddenly pauses the show and tells me this anecdote:
"One time when I was at boy scout camp... I was sent out on a snipe hunt with the other boys, and I just sat aside watching everyone else run around trying to catch it. The camp counselors were getting upset with me because I wasn't participating. I looked at the counselor like he was an moron and said: "I'm not an idiot. I know what a snipe hunt is and I'm not going to waste my time...""
Yep, at 12 he said that, and yet the counselor got upset with him for being smart enough to know what it was and choosing to not participate. He still finds this ironic because it's a prime example of how society values blindly following along more than the ability to think for oneself, lol!
"One time when I was at boy scout camp... I was sent out on a snipe hunt with the other boys, and I just sat aside watching everyone else run around trying to catch it. The camp counselors were getting upset with me because I wasn't participating. I looked at the counselor like he was an moron and said: "I'm not an idiot. I know what a snipe hunt is and I'm not going to waste my time...""
Yep, at 12 he said that, and yet the counselor got upset with him for being smart enough to know what it was and choosing to not participate. He still finds this ironic because it's a prime example of how society values blindly following along more than the ability to think for oneself, lol!
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Honey, I just made the operator cry...
Years ago, after we had JUST moved into our apartment in Brooklyn Park back in 2001, we were told that our phone service would not be hooked up for at least another day or so. All of a sudden, the phone rang. James was pleasantly surprised that it was working, but when he answered the phone, it sounded like a telemarketer.
He was upset that our first call was from a telemarketer when we hadn't even given the number to any of our family or friends yet. So he immediately went into this mode... He says his asshole switch was flipped and he laid into her about how wrong it was for us to have a telemarketing call before anyone else could even call. He berated her for a few minutes - probably at least 2 - before stopping to hear her excuse, when she tearfully explained that:
She was calling from the phone company to explain that we now had our service and wanted to make sure that everything was working properly. She was damn near sobbing, which made my hubby feel like a colossal heel, and he quickly called me into the living room.
"HONEY! I just made the operator cry!"
I remember blurting out - from the other room - "What?! Why???"
I came into the room and took over the call and calmed her down and soothed her ruffled feathers, and just generally made her happier. Not to mention PROFUSELY apologized for my hubby's bad behavior. And then when I got off the phone with her, hubby and I had a really good laugh about it. I told my hubby that he was answering the phone from now on, lol!
Other really good phone answering lines :-D
James has ACTUALLY answered the phone: "County Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em." And the person asked for his mom, he said that she wasn't there. "Can I take a message?" The person then asked: "Is this her home or her work?" Seriously??? You really think the city would let their employees answer the phone like that?!
My favorite for my family is: "Packard's Pool Hall. We provide the balls, you knock 'em up! How may I help you?"
One night when working at Hardee's, hubby accidentally answered the phone: "Welcome to Hardee's may I take your order?" And the guy was like: "Um... how are you going to get it to me?"
Hubby replied: "We've got a fax machine here. It'll be a little dry, but it comes out warm!" His manager was standing right behind him cracking up. At that point, he handed her the phone: "Maybe you should take this now."
Lastly, one time when James was working at Super America (the gas station) with a guy named Brock, they were talking about how Brock had previously worked at Burger King. Then, a person arrived at a pump, and James pointed to the microphone because they are supposed to welcome each customer as they authorize the pump for use. Brock reaches to take the microphone, and hubby mutters: "Welcome to Burger King."
Brock immediately talked to the customer, saying: "Welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?" He then realized what he said, and you could hear his head thunk into the microphone in shame. The customer pushed the reply button and asked: "Can I get fries with this?"
After that, as the customer finishes pumping, Brock begged James to come over and ring the customer up because he is so embarrassed, and James told him: "No no! This one is all yours!"
As an extra tidbit, here's another order mishap:
While working at Hardee's, the ringer for the drive-thru goes off, and James greeted the customer: "Welcome to Hardee's may I take your order?" The customer starts ordering a large Meatlover's Pizza... at a burger joint...
James explained to the customer that this was HARDEE'S and that Domino's and Pizzahut are just up the road. The customer apologizes: "Sorry, not paying attention! Can I get the Nacho Bell Grande?" Hubby cuts him off: "Sir, Taco Bell is next door. This is Hardee's. We have burgers, fries, chicken..."
The customer replies: "Oh God! Where is my head today? Um... just give me the Whopper and -"
James cuts him off again: "Sir, that's Burger King. This is Hardee's; we have the Monster Burger..."
At this point, the customer is so flustered that he says: "I'm just gonna come in and order!" He then pulls forward and drives off very quickly! All James could say to his co-workers was: "I'm glad I'm not driving while HE'S out there! He seems a little confused..."
lol :-)
He was upset that our first call was from a telemarketer when we hadn't even given the number to any of our family or friends yet. So he immediately went into this mode... He says his asshole switch was flipped and he laid into her about how wrong it was for us to have a telemarketing call before anyone else could even call. He berated her for a few minutes - probably at least 2 - before stopping to hear her excuse, when she tearfully explained that:
She was calling from the phone company to explain that we now had our service and wanted to make sure that everything was working properly. She was damn near sobbing, which made my hubby feel like a colossal heel, and he quickly called me into the living room.
"HONEY! I just made the operator cry!"
I remember blurting out - from the other room - "What?! Why???"
I came into the room and took over the call and calmed her down and soothed her ruffled feathers, and just generally made her happier. Not to mention PROFUSELY apologized for my hubby's bad behavior. And then when I got off the phone with her, hubby and I had a really good laugh about it. I told my hubby that he was answering the phone from now on, lol!
Other really good phone answering lines :-D
James has ACTUALLY answered the phone: "County Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em." And the person asked for his mom, he said that she wasn't there. "Can I take a message?" The person then asked: "Is this her home or her work?" Seriously??? You really think the city would let their employees answer the phone like that?!
My favorite for my family is: "Packard's Pool Hall. We provide the balls, you knock 'em up! How may I help you?"
One night when working at Hardee's, hubby accidentally answered the phone: "Welcome to Hardee's may I take your order?" And the guy was like: "Um... how are you going to get it to me?"
Hubby replied: "We've got a fax machine here. It'll be a little dry, but it comes out warm!" His manager was standing right behind him cracking up. At that point, he handed her the phone: "Maybe you should take this now."
Lastly, one time when James was working at Super America (the gas station) with a guy named Brock, they were talking about how Brock had previously worked at Burger King. Then, a person arrived at a pump, and James pointed to the microphone because they are supposed to welcome each customer as they authorize the pump for use. Brock reaches to take the microphone, and hubby mutters: "Welcome to Burger King."
Brock immediately talked to the customer, saying: "Welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?" He then realized what he said, and you could hear his head thunk into the microphone in shame. The customer pushed the reply button and asked: "Can I get fries with this?"
After that, as the customer finishes pumping, Brock begged James to come over and ring the customer up because he is so embarrassed, and James told him: "No no! This one is all yours!"
As an extra tidbit, here's another order mishap:
While working at Hardee's, the ringer for the drive-thru goes off, and James greeted the customer: "Welcome to Hardee's may I take your order?" The customer starts ordering a large Meatlover's Pizza... at a burger joint...
James explained to the customer that this was HARDEE'S and that Domino's and Pizzahut are just up the road. The customer apologizes: "Sorry, not paying attention! Can I get the Nacho Bell Grande?" Hubby cuts him off: "Sir, Taco Bell is next door. This is Hardee's. We have burgers, fries, chicken..."
The customer replies: "Oh God! Where is my head today? Um... just give me the Whopper and -"
James cuts him off again: "Sir, that's Burger King. This is Hardee's; we have the Monster Burger..."
At this point, the customer is so flustered that he says: "I'm just gonna come in and order!" He then pulls forward and drives off very quickly! All James could say to his co-workers was: "I'm glad I'm not driving while HE'S out there! He seems a little confused..."
lol :-)
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Pillow Talk
Tonight as we go to lay down, hubby wants me to massage the knots out of his arms. As I am doing so, I look over and say: "I wonder what it would be like if I could hypnotize you so that every time I snapped my fingers, you'd instantly get hard?"
Hubby snorts a laugh. "Remember when you heard me laughing earlier? Well, I was reading a comic called Blooming Fairies, and the main character was telling a friend of hers that her love slave was always ready to go: 'until I give the command; soft!' and then there's a hissing noise of deflation. But you can't see anything except his backside. So the friend asks: 'Well, what about when you want him to get ready to go?' and the main character replies: 'Why I say hard, of course.' And you hear a boing!"
I said: "I'd love to be able to do that to you, but maybe I should pick something less common than the snapping of fingers."
Hubby replies: "Yeah because you know I'd be in the middle of a conversation with somebody, and they'd be like: "Oh what was that called again?" Snap snap snap. "It'd be like an overdose of viagra, my body would just be hearing: hard hard hard! Losing that much blood flow, I wouldn't even be able to feel my legs. I'd have to call the doctor, and then I'd be dragging myself on my back to the door."
That's when I asked: "Why on your back?"
Hubby said: "At that point, I probably couldn't reach the floor if I turned over. It'd be like dragging an anchor!"
"I'd be at the doctor saying: 'Doc it's no longer turning blue, it's turning purple! No, there's so much blood in there that it's skipping purple and turning right to black! It's gonna fall off!'"
Both of us are laughing our asses off by this point, so then we change the conversation for a while.
I'm now looking at hubby's chest, and if you've never seen it, it's pretty darn hairy. I say out loud: "I wonder what it would be like to spread some Nads (A hair removal wax) across your chest and then yank all your hair off."
Hubby gives me this LOOK, and says: "It'd be like a punch to the jaw, because that's what would happen, I'd punch you in the jaw. And then, I'd wait until you were sleeping, and I'd spread that Nads between your legs, and you'd be like: 'Hmm hubby's playing with me,' until I suddenly rip that right off."
I said: "I'd kick you!"
Hubby says: Oh hell no! I'd rip it off at a full run out the door. I'd be halfway down the stairs by the time you could even start screaming. And then I don't even think I'd have to rush to get on my bike and ride away, because I don't think you'd be able to follow me. You sure as hell wouldn't be riding a bike at that point!"
OMGs I was laughing SOOOO hard that I about fell off the bed! I immediately jump up and shout as I'm running away: "I'm gonna get my computer, because that's going on the blog!"
lol!
Hubby snorts a laugh. "Remember when you heard me laughing earlier? Well, I was reading a comic called Blooming Fairies, and the main character was telling a friend of hers that her love slave was always ready to go: 'until I give the command; soft!' and then there's a hissing noise of deflation. But you can't see anything except his backside. So the friend asks: 'Well, what about when you want him to get ready to go?' and the main character replies: 'Why I say hard, of course.' And you hear a boing!"
I said: "I'd love to be able to do that to you, but maybe I should pick something less common than the snapping of fingers."
Hubby replies: "Yeah because you know I'd be in the middle of a conversation with somebody, and they'd be like: "Oh what was that called again?" Snap snap snap. "It'd be like an overdose of viagra, my body would just be hearing: hard hard hard! Losing that much blood flow, I wouldn't even be able to feel my legs. I'd have to call the doctor, and then I'd be dragging myself on my back to the door."
That's when I asked: "Why on your back?"
Hubby said: "At that point, I probably couldn't reach the floor if I turned over. It'd be like dragging an anchor!"
"I'd be at the doctor saying: 'Doc it's no longer turning blue, it's turning purple! No, there's so much blood in there that it's skipping purple and turning right to black! It's gonna fall off!'"
Both of us are laughing our asses off by this point, so then we change the conversation for a while.
I'm now looking at hubby's chest, and if you've never seen it, it's pretty darn hairy. I say out loud: "I wonder what it would be like to spread some Nads (A hair removal wax) across your chest and then yank all your hair off."
Hubby gives me this LOOK, and says: "It'd be like a punch to the jaw, because that's what would happen, I'd punch you in the jaw. And then, I'd wait until you were sleeping, and I'd spread that Nads between your legs, and you'd be like: 'Hmm hubby's playing with me,' until I suddenly rip that right off."
I said: "I'd kick you!"
Hubby says: Oh hell no! I'd rip it off at a full run out the door. I'd be halfway down the stairs by the time you could even start screaming. And then I don't even think I'd have to rush to get on my bike and ride away, because I don't think you'd be able to follow me. You sure as hell wouldn't be riding a bike at that point!"
OMGs I was laughing SOOOO hard that I about fell off the bed! I immediately jump up and shout as I'm running away: "I'm gonna get my computer, because that's going on the blog!"
lol!
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Tales from the Bathroom
One day, back when we lived and worked at Avatan - a nudist resort - Phoenix hadn't been born yet, and Gryffin was between 6-8 months old. James had been working for a while, and really had to go to the bathroom. He held it as long as he could, and then he walked all the way across the resort, into our trailer, and over to the toilet. Mind you, this was a nudist resort, so he wasn't wearing clothes.
Suddenly, he feels like something is pushing on his sack and forcing his legs to the sides. He looks down to see that Gryffin had crawled into the bathroom and pulled himself so that he was now standing, trying to look into the toilet, between James' legs. Almost as if he was thinking: What's going on? What's making that sound?
James frantically tried to push Gryffin's head out of the way so that he wasn't peeing on him, but not so hard that he hurt him. He literally could not stop peeing, so he yells out for me to come help him. Of course, my version of help was to get to the bathroom door and bust up laughing, while James was dancing around trying not to pee on our son OR all over the floor.
I eventually walked over and grabbed Gryffin and took him away, leaving James to finish peeing in peace. James grumbled about me not helping sooner and how embarrassing it was to damn near pee on our baby. I laughed and said that it may be embarrassing, but that's how babies learn to go to the bathroom.
After that, every time James went to the bathroom, I'd grab Gryffin and rush after him. "Come here! Daddy's going to show you something important. James wanted to kill me! And honestly, it didn't really help as it took Gryffin forever to potty train, lol!
But then, when he did...
One day, in our "new" apartment in St. Cloud, James walks into the bathroom - because he had to pee again - to find Gryffin... He says that if you have ever seen a child doing an elephant walk on their hands and feet with their legs straight and their arms straight, well, that's what Gryffin was doing. Only he was on the toilet peeing into the bowl.
James started laughing his ass off because Gryffin was also dancing! Wiggling his ass back and forth as he watched the pee go into the toilet. Shaking his head in amusement, James called for me to come see, and I did just in time. I started laughing too, and then we both clapped because at this point, Gryffin was WAY overdue to potty train!
I guess we just needed to make it interesting for him, lol!
Suddenly, he feels like something is pushing on his sack and forcing his legs to the sides. He looks down to see that Gryffin had crawled into the bathroom and pulled himself so that he was now standing, trying to look into the toilet, between James' legs. Almost as if he was thinking: What's going on? What's making that sound?
James frantically tried to push Gryffin's head out of the way so that he wasn't peeing on him, but not so hard that he hurt him. He literally could not stop peeing, so he yells out for me to come help him. Of course, my version of help was to get to the bathroom door and bust up laughing, while James was dancing around trying not to pee on our son OR all over the floor.
I eventually walked over and grabbed Gryffin and took him away, leaving James to finish peeing in peace. James grumbled about me not helping sooner and how embarrassing it was to damn near pee on our baby. I laughed and said that it may be embarrassing, but that's how babies learn to go to the bathroom.
After that, every time James went to the bathroom, I'd grab Gryffin and rush after him. "Come here! Daddy's going to show you something important. James wanted to kill me! And honestly, it didn't really help as it took Gryffin forever to potty train, lol!
But then, when he did...
One day, in our "new" apartment in St. Cloud, James walks into the bathroom - because he had to pee again - to find Gryffin... He says that if you have ever seen a child doing an elephant walk on their hands and feet with their legs straight and their arms straight, well, that's what Gryffin was doing. Only he was on the toilet peeing into the bowl.
James started laughing his ass off because Gryffin was also dancing! Wiggling his ass back and forth as he watched the pee go into the toilet. Shaking his head in amusement, James called for me to come see, and I did just in time. I started laughing too, and then we both clapped because at this point, Gryffin was WAY overdue to potty train!
I guess we just needed to make it interesting for him, lol!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Drama? Let's create our own opera!
One day, hubby and I were bickering. I get miffed whenever he yells because I grew up being yelled at constantly for no reason, and he brings back bad memories when he yells. SO, I got fed up and told my hubby that if he wanted to yet at us for any reason, he needed to sing it!
Right away, hubby says: "No, that would never work." I ask: "Why not?"
And that's when hubby belted out with: "♫ Shut up you fucking bitch, I cannot stand this!♫ See? Wouldn't work."
I started laughing so hard and was also amazed that my hubby can sing opera pretty well, lol! I asked, between giggles: "Why not?"
James replied: "Because you won't take me seriously like this!"
I exclaimed: "But that's the point!"
At the time, we were living in an apartment building, and hubby continues: "That and the neighbors would be wondering what the hell we were listening to!" He goes on to imitate a neighbor. "They'd be all like: Oh man, that opera is cussing up a storm! What? Is Pavarotti drunk?!"
We started giggling, imaging what it would be like to come up with a whole operatic scene and have a microphone or something up against the wall to see if we could pick up what the neighbors were saying about us. Would they think that we actually were watching somesort of fucked up opera, or would they have realized that we were shouting obscenities at each other - think that we must have gone psycho - and called the cops on us?
Both options would have been hilarious! I tell ya, we spend a lot of time coming up with schemes to drive others crazy, lol!
Right away, hubby says: "No, that would never work." I ask: "Why not?"
And that's when hubby belted out with: "♫ Shut up you fucking bitch, I cannot stand this!♫ See? Wouldn't work."
I started laughing so hard and was also amazed that my hubby can sing opera pretty well, lol! I asked, between giggles: "Why not?"
James replied: "Because you won't take me seriously like this!"
I exclaimed: "But that's the point!"
At the time, we were living in an apartment building, and hubby continues: "That and the neighbors would be wondering what the hell we were listening to!" He goes on to imitate a neighbor. "They'd be all like: Oh man, that opera is cussing up a storm! What? Is Pavarotti drunk?!"
We started giggling, imaging what it would be like to come up with a whole operatic scene and have a microphone or something up against the wall to see if we could pick up what the neighbors were saying about us. Would they think that we actually were watching somesort of fucked up opera, or would they have realized that we were shouting obscenities at each other - think that we must have gone psycho - and called the cops on us?
Both options would have been hilarious! I tell ya, we spend a lot of time coming up with schemes to drive others crazy, lol!
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Hey, can I borrow your car?
Hubby suddenly starts giggling like a mad man, so I tentatively ask: "What?" He says: "Can you imagine if I set up a device - like some sort of vibrator - that once put in the trunk of our car, would randomly make it sound like something is in there thumping to get out? Oh! And even better, have something in there with just enough weight rolling back and forth to make the car rock!"
I LMAO! Hubby continues: "You know that someone would eventually call the cops, and we could be sitting in a cafe or something watching the events unfold. We could have it on a remote control so that it only happens when someone walks by the car! And then when the Cops arrive, push another button to immediately open the trunk so that they don't damage our car while trying to get into it!"
I laugh even harder and add: "Oh! And have it set so that - without anyone realizing it - something sprays out of the car when the trunk opens so that previously invisible blood drops and bloody foot prints show up leading away from the car!"
James replies: "You know what, we should probably do that to our friend's car instead..."
I LMAO! Hubby continues: "You know that someone would eventually call the cops, and we could be sitting in a cafe or something watching the events unfold. We could have it on a remote control so that it only happens when someone walks by the car! And then when the Cops arrive, push another button to immediately open the trunk so that they don't damage our car while trying to get into it!"
I laugh even harder and add: "Oh! And have it set so that - without anyone realizing it - something sprays out of the car when the trunk opens so that previously invisible blood drops and bloody foot prints show up leading away from the car!"
James replies: "You know what, we should probably do that to our friend's car instead..."
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Safe Sex
I read a headline about California offering free condoms to kids as young as 12. As you might expect, there was plenty of parents making comments like: "Why are you encouraging sex rather than abstinence?!" and: "This is how we end up with rampant teen pregnancy!"
Then there were parents who are like: "No matter what we do, teens who want to have sex are going to have sex. I'd rather that mine be safe and use condoms!" And: "I have no problems passing out condoms so long as you teach them all the possible consequences of having sex."
I got to thinking - once again - how cool it would be to have a class in school, or perhaps not IN school, but out of school in a building all it's own, that teaches kids safe sex... wait for it...
Hands on!
Yep, I mean that literally. Teach them the skills necessary to be good lovers WITHOUT intercourse. Teach them oral skills. Teach them tactile skills such as basic massage. Have them practice on each other - gender separate at first, but then co-ed for a bit. After that, they can decide which sex they prefer.
Of course there would be some caveats. First of all, there would have to be a generally agreed upon age for the students. I'm going to go with 16 because it's the age of consent, but I think that younger teens could participate if they wanted to WITH parental consent. Second of all, ALL the students would need to be tested for STDs before entering the class. After all, this class is meant to teach SAFE sex, and the best way to do that is to emphasize the reality of STD's and also emphasize using protection to avoid pregnancy.
ALSO keep in mind that I already said that there would be NO intercourse in the class. The purpose of the class is to teach teens to be good and CONFIDENT lovers who do not cave into pressure to have sex if they don't want to, and know how to be safe if they do want to.
Think about it for a moment. Say you are a girl - a REALLY shy girl - and for the first time ever, you have a boy paying attention to you and begging you to let him have sex with you. Far too often, those girls don't know how to say no, and they also don't want the boy to stop paying attention to them. So... they give in. And then they get pregnant because he also insisted that she wouldn't make him use a condom if she loved him.
HOWEVER, if this shy girl took a class where she learned to relax. Learned to choose the right form of birth control for her. Had actual experience with sex - enough to know that she doesn't need to depend on the first boy that is nice to her... I completely believe that she would then be strong enough to say: "Hey! If all you want to do is play around on me, I'm okay with that (or not as the case may be), but let's be smart about this. Let's make sure we don't get pregnant!"
Now, you may be wondering why I am posting this on my husband's blog and not mine; well, here's why.
So I am talking to my hubby about this kind of school, and he's nodding in agreement. He thinks that it would be a good idea too. Then I made the comment of:
"And the best part is that once a person warms up and gains a bit of confidence, the class would be almost impossible to fail!"
He replies: "Oh no! People would be failing it left and right!"
I'm seriously confused! "What? Why?"
"They'd be like, I still don't know what I'm doing, so I have to take the class again, heh heh."
I laugh! "Oh! I get it, but why would they need to fail to take the class again?"
He scoffs: "Well duh, there'd be way too much demand for the class and not enough space."
Especially from the boys, lol! So I ask: "But wait, do you think boys would even go for it. I mean I do know - or at least I've heard - that teenaged boys will often sit around a room masturbating (meaning a bunch of them together), but it's ingrained in American society that boys touching boys is wrong and I just can't see too many boys signing up for a class that would require them to practice on boys for a bit before they got to the girls."
Hubby shrugs. "That's an ego thing. If it's just one or two boys doing it, and then words gets out, they get embarrassed because then people think they are having gay sex. BUT if it's a bunch of boys sitting around doing it (mutual masturbation or practicing on each other) THEN it's not such a big deal. They are all in it together. They know that if any ONE of them rats on another, then he's ratting on himself too."
Okay, so basically boys probably would want to take a class where they could learn how to be good and responsible lovers, even if it meant having to practice on other boys for a bit. Cool!
Then the conversation moved on.
I ask: "Could you imagine if this WAS a class that was offered in highschool? Then one day, the accreditation board comes in to make sure that basic standard are being met at the school, and they go around asking students: what's you favorite class? No! Imagine this, they walk into a math class where everyone is staring at the teacher like they are half-zombies, and the accreditation board asks them what their favorite class is, and they all jump up and shout: SEX ED!"
James doesn't even skip a beat; he immediately pretends to be checking off a box on a form and mutters: "That's the 15th class to say that today..."
LMAO!
Then there were parents who are like: "No matter what we do, teens who want to have sex are going to have sex. I'd rather that mine be safe and use condoms!" And: "I have no problems passing out condoms so long as you teach them all the possible consequences of having sex."
I got to thinking - once again - how cool it would be to have a class in school, or perhaps not IN school, but out of school in a building all it's own, that teaches kids safe sex... wait for it...
Hands on!
Yep, I mean that literally. Teach them the skills necessary to be good lovers WITHOUT intercourse. Teach them oral skills. Teach them tactile skills such as basic massage. Have them practice on each other - gender separate at first, but then co-ed for a bit. After that, they can decide which sex they prefer.
Of course there would be some caveats. First of all, there would have to be a generally agreed upon age for the students. I'm going to go with 16 because it's the age of consent, but I think that younger teens could participate if they wanted to WITH parental consent. Second of all, ALL the students would need to be tested for STDs before entering the class. After all, this class is meant to teach SAFE sex, and the best way to do that is to emphasize the reality of STD's and also emphasize using protection to avoid pregnancy.
ALSO keep in mind that I already said that there would be NO intercourse in the class. The purpose of the class is to teach teens to be good and CONFIDENT lovers who do not cave into pressure to have sex if they don't want to, and know how to be safe if they do want to.
Think about it for a moment. Say you are a girl - a REALLY shy girl - and for the first time ever, you have a boy paying attention to you and begging you to let him have sex with you. Far too often, those girls don't know how to say no, and they also don't want the boy to stop paying attention to them. So... they give in. And then they get pregnant because he also insisted that she wouldn't make him use a condom if she loved him.
HOWEVER, if this shy girl took a class where she learned to relax. Learned to choose the right form of birth control for her. Had actual experience with sex - enough to know that she doesn't need to depend on the first boy that is nice to her... I completely believe that she would then be strong enough to say: "Hey! If all you want to do is play around on me, I'm okay with that (or not as the case may be), but let's be smart about this. Let's make sure we don't get pregnant!"
Now, you may be wondering why I am posting this on my husband's blog and not mine; well, here's why.
So I am talking to my hubby about this kind of school, and he's nodding in agreement. He thinks that it would be a good idea too. Then I made the comment of:
"And the best part is that once a person warms up and gains a bit of confidence, the class would be almost impossible to fail!"
He replies: "Oh no! People would be failing it left and right!"
I'm seriously confused! "What? Why?"
"They'd be like, I still don't know what I'm doing, so I have to take the class again, heh heh."
I laugh! "Oh! I get it, but why would they need to fail to take the class again?"
He scoffs: "Well duh, there'd be way too much demand for the class and not enough space."
Especially from the boys, lol! So I ask: "But wait, do you think boys would even go for it. I mean I do know - or at least I've heard - that teenaged boys will often sit around a room masturbating (meaning a bunch of them together), but it's ingrained in American society that boys touching boys is wrong and I just can't see too many boys signing up for a class that would require them to practice on boys for a bit before they got to the girls."
Hubby shrugs. "That's an ego thing. If it's just one or two boys doing it, and then words gets out, they get embarrassed because then people think they are having gay sex. BUT if it's a bunch of boys sitting around doing it (mutual masturbation or practicing on each other) THEN it's not such a big deal. They are all in it together. They know that if any ONE of them rats on another, then he's ratting on himself too."
Okay, so basically boys probably would want to take a class where they could learn how to be good and responsible lovers, even if it meant having to practice on other boys for a bit. Cool!
Then the conversation moved on.
I ask: "Could you imagine if this WAS a class that was offered in highschool? Then one day, the accreditation board comes in to make sure that basic standard are being met at the school, and they go around asking students: what's you favorite class? No! Imagine this, they walk into a math class where everyone is staring at the teacher like they are half-zombies, and the accreditation board asks them what their favorite class is, and they all jump up and shout: SEX ED!"
James doesn't even skip a beat; he immediately pretends to be checking off a box on a form and mutters: "That's the 15th class to say that today..."
LMAO!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Jesus in the Boudoir
This weekend, my husband was in the car with his brother, his daughter, and his mother. At one point, they were discussing how people who love Jesus always seem so consumed by passion. My hubby gave an example of a woman - usually wearing an old Dolly Parton style outfit, or possibly something a showgirl would wear - who rubs her body as she says something like: "Jesus is my Savior!"
James then goes on to say to his daughter: "I wonder what your mom would say if she brought you to church and there was a man up there who drops the robes he's in to reveal a sequined-covered spandex suit. Then he oils himself up as he calls out: "Mohammed went to the mountain!"
James says: "At that point, your mom would probably try to drag you out of there, and you (his daughter) would be like: Mom! You're interrupting the sermon!"
At this point, even James mom is damn near hyperventilating from laughing too hard. His daughter - completely red in the face - chokes out: "Shut up!" But she can't stop laughing either, lol!
Hubby then asks his daughter: "I wonder what your grandma would do if she went to church and saw that? I bet she'd have a stroke! However, they wouldn't have to worry about passing the collection plate around anymore; people would be throwing their money up at the pulpit!"
Hmm... Maybe I should found a church like that...
James then goes on to say to his daughter: "I wonder what your mom would say if she brought you to church and there was a man up there who drops the robes he's in to reveal a sequined-covered spandex suit. Then he oils himself up as he calls out: "Mohammed went to the mountain!"
James says: "At that point, your mom would probably try to drag you out of there, and you (his daughter) would be like: Mom! You're interrupting the sermon!"
At this point, even James mom is damn near hyperventilating from laughing too hard. His daughter - completely red in the face - chokes out: "Shut up!" But she can't stop laughing either, lol!
Hubby then asks his daughter: "I wonder what your grandma would do if she went to church and saw that? I bet she'd have a stroke! However, they wouldn't have to worry about passing the collection plate around anymore; people would be throwing their money up at the pulpit!"
Hmm... Maybe I should found a church like that...
Sunday, April 28, 2013
I can't get that taste out of my mouth!
James makes chainmail. Most of the time, it's fetish wear such as bikinis for women, but when he was first starting out, he made lots of little things just to get the hang of it. For example, he made several hacky sack balls out of chainmail. (Hacky sack is a game in which the player tries to keep the ball off the ground for as long as possible using only his foot.) He also made a pouch to hold the balls.
One day, we were going somewhere with some friends of ours - C and T. C is James best friend to this day, and he likes helping James out with the chainmail from time to time. At one point C had to stick one of the hacky sacks in his mouth so that his hands were free to properly buckle his seat belt. After he got his belt buckled, he continued to examine the ball for a few minutes, but then he suddenly blurts out:
"Oh man James! I can't get the taste of your balls out of my mouth!"
James almost drove right off the road!
One day, we were going somewhere with some friends of ours - C and T. C is James best friend to this day, and he likes helping James out with the chainmail from time to time. At one point C had to stick one of the hacky sacks in his mouth so that his hands were free to properly buckle his seat belt. After he got his belt buckled, he continued to examine the ball for a few minutes, but then he suddenly blurts out:
"Oh man James! I can't get the taste of your balls out of my mouth!"
James almost drove right off the road!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
A Twisted Sense of Humor
My hubby has a twisted sense of humor. However, some of his humor comes from being a guy, lol! For example, how many guys do you know that would do this?
One day when our first son was only about 2 months old, I laid him down for a nap and he was sleeping peacefully. Then he fussed a bit and my husband went to go check on him because I was concentrating on something else. A couple of minutes later, he came back out into the kitchen where I was standing next to my mom. James appeared to have swaddled the baby into a nice little bundle, which he cradled in his arms. He looks over at me, grins, and says: "Here, catch!"
I screamed in terror as he promptly threw the bundle at me. As far apart as we were, I knew that I would never catch it! I watched in horror as the blanket opened wide to drop my baby on the floor... and then James bust up laughing.
My mother was clutching her chest as if having a heart attack, and she shouted at James: "Don't DO that to me!"
Meanwhile, I was panting in terror, and searching the blanket that was now on the floor for my baby. James - still laughing - tells me: "Don't worry! He's still in his swing, sleeping." He then points to the swing which is right in the kitchen with us, but that both me and my mother had forgotten about in the heat of the moment!
I about KILLED him!
One day when our first son was only about 2 months old, I laid him down for a nap and he was sleeping peacefully. Then he fussed a bit and my husband went to go check on him because I was concentrating on something else. A couple of minutes later, he came back out into the kitchen where I was standing next to my mom. James appeared to have swaddled the baby into a nice little bundle, which he cradled in his arms. He looks over at me, grins, and says: "Here, catch!"
I screamed in terror as he promptly threw the bundle at me. As far apart as we were, I knew that I would never catch it! I watched in horror as the blanket opened wide to drop my baby on the floor... and then James bust up laughing.
My mother was clutching her chest as if having a heart attack, and she shouted at James: "Don't DO that to me!"
Meanwhile, I was panting in terror, and searching the blanket that was now on the floor for my baby. James - still laughing - tells me: "Don't worry! He's still in his swing, sleeping." He then points to the swing which is right in the kitchen with us, but that both me and my mother had forgotten about in the heat of the moment!
I about KILLED him!
Monday, April 22, 2013
That's your son?!?!
When my hubby was 13, he finally got to go visit his dad at his place in Las Vegas. His dad had decided that he wanted James to meet some of his other relatives, so he had driven all the way to Minnesota to pick James up. They left MN and went to Wisconsin to James' grandmother's house. This was the first time he had seen his dad in years, and the first time he had ever met his grandparents.
When they were still several miles from his grandparents house, they hit a snag. While trying to pass a pickup truck, the driver suddenly slammed on his brakes and turned left in front of them. In James' opinion, the accident would have been a little less annoying had he not JUST opened a bottle of Pepsi. A nice big 20-oz plastic bottle. The initial clenching action of his fists from being startled by the accident emptied the bottle all over the windshield like a geyser.
After making sure everyone was okay, James took out his camera and proceeded to take pictures of the car with its hood up to the windshield, and of the accident in general. Nothing like having pictures to remember your first visit with your dad! To which his father commented: "Do you HAVE to take pictures of that?" James replied: "Come on! This is my vacation; I gotta have pictures to show my mom!"
On a side note: they had just rear ended a pickup truck in a vehicle that had just been repaired a few weeks earlier from hitting a pickup truck head on. James' next comment was: "So, are you going to fix it up so it can get T-boned now?" He received no answer to that question. (However, his dad did actually have that car fixed. The next time James visited him, he asked: "Do I need to keep my eyes open for pickups?")
So after the car was towed, they were sitting at the local police station filling out the accident report, and James gets to meet his grandfather for the first time. He picked them up and brought them to his house where they were supposed to go.
Later on, it was decided that he - James' grandpa - would drive with them to Vegas in HIS car, and that James' grandma would fly in a bit later on for a family visit. When they arrived in Las Vegas, they went to James's stepmother's work. Hubby finds out that his dad has not yet told his wife that her newly repaired vehicle is now sitting in a shop waiting to be fixed, again. So, James' dad decided to go inside and explain things to her before bringing her out.
James waited in the parking lot with his grandfather, resting by laying on the trunk of his car. At 13, my hubby was already about 6 foot 1, and so he easily took up most of the space on the trunk. Just so you know, his dad is shorter than him, barely even with James' shoulder.
Eventually, his dad comes back out with his wife. Her first question was: "Where's my car?" Apparently, she thought her husband was joking about it being in a shop. She's a slender Vietnamese woman that is even shorter than her husband: probably about a foot shorter than James!
As they approached the car, she smiles and says: "So this is your son." She has her hand out to shake James' hand. James stands up from the car and puts his hand out. At which point, she snapped her hand back to her chest and fell backwards into her husband's arms, exclaiming: "That's your son?!"
Although politically incorrect, the first thought to run through James head; as she fell back; he could just hear a little voice saying: "Ack! Godzilla!" Also in the back of his head, he heard a voice tell him to: "Put your hand down, idiot!"
All in all, it was NOT the best first meeting, lol!
James NEXT visit to their house was on Christmas about a year or so later. He got to meet some of his stepmother's family. It was an interesting meeting; as the first person walked up to him, he looks WAY up and said with a heavy Vietnamese accent - which sounded funny to James: "Ooo! You must play football!" James replied with a simple no. The relative asks: "Basketball?" "No..." "Whatchoo do?"
"I draw," James stated in a deadpan voice. He stopped asking questions after that...
Later that day - Christmas Eve - James was asked if he wanted to go bowling, which he thought was odd being that it was a holiday. In MN, the place would probably have been closed. In any case, hoping for some activity with his dad, and the fact that James loves bowling, it seemed like a fun thing to do.
It wasn't until right before they left that he found out that his dad wasn't going. James would be going with his stepmom's family. This was rather annoying because the purpose of his visit was to spend time with his dad, but because of work, James had mostly spent time by himself reading a book.
Anyway, James went bowling with a group of about 10 Vietnamese people that he didn't really know - not including his stepmother - and as anyone who has ever gone bowling knows, the first thing you do is get your shoes. The worker was asking everyone for their shoe sizes and received a bunch of requests for 4s and 5s. At last it's James turn, and he says: "Size 11." He could see the confused look on the guy's face as he wondered out loud: "Are you with THIS group?"
To James surprise, they bowled really well. On the other hand, he averaged about 90, which was really good for him at the time. However, he wasn't having fun being part of a group of people he didn't know. (He's painfully shy, especially back then.)
On his way back home - during the flight - he gets more surprises. When he got on the plane, he found out that they had apparently double booked his seat. So they brought him to the front of the plane to wait to see if they could find him a different seat, and then finally decided that since there was no one sitting there, they would put him in the very front of the first class section.
"Finally! Some leg room!" He exclaimed.
Thinking he had just lucked out, he opened a comic book and lay it out across his lap, he leaned back for a nice big stretch; head back, yawning. At that exact moment, the plane lurches, and he thought: "All right! We're about to take off and I can read my comic book and relax the whole flight."
But as he glances out the plane window, he sees snow coming down. It took him a few moments to realize that they weren't leaving. They had just locked onto the terminal... in MN! He realized that when he leaned back, he had fallen asleep! He'd spent the entire two hour flight passed out with his mouth open!
"That had to be hilarious to the stewardesses," he grumbles to himself as he gathered his things and then left the plan. But it could have been worse. At least he wasn't gripping the arms of the seat in terror the entire time!
When they were still several miles from his grandparents house, they hit a snag. While trying to pass a pickup truck, the driver suddenly slammed on his brakes and turned left in front of them. In James' opinion, the accident would have been a little less annoying had he not JUST opened a bottle of Pepsi. A nice big 20-oz plastic bottle. The initial clenching action of his fists from being startled by the accident emptied the bottle all over the windshield like a geyser.
After making sure everyone was okay, James took out his camera and proceeded to take pictures of the car with its hood up to the windshield, and of the accident in general. Nothing like having pictures to remember your first visit with your dad! To which his father commented: "Do you HAVE to take pictures of that?" James replied: "Come on! This is my vacation; I gotta have pictures to show my mom!"
On a side note: they had just rear ended a pickup truck in a vehicle that had just been repaired a few weeks earlier from hitting a pickup truck head on. James' next comment was: "So, are you going to fix it up so it can get T-boned now?" He received no answer to that question. (However, his dad did actually have that car fixed. The next time James visited him, he asked: "Do I need to keep my eyes open for pickups?")
So after the car was towed, they were sitting at the local police station filling out the accident report, and James gets to meet his grandfather for the first time. He picked them up and brought them to his house where they were supposed to go.
Later on, it was decided that he - James' grandpa - would drive with them to Vegas in HIS car, and that James' grandma would fly in a bit later on for a family visit. When they arrived in Las Vegas, they went to James's stepmother's work. Hubby finds out that his dad has not yet told his wife that her newly repaired vehicle is now sitting in a shop waiting to be fixed, again. So, James' dad decided to go inside and explain things to her before bringing her out.
James waited in the parking lot with his grandfather, resting by laying on the trunk of his car. At 13, my hubby was already about 6 foot 1, and so he easily took up most of the space on the trunk. Just so you know, his dad is shorter than him, barely even with James' shoulder.
Eventually, his dad comes back out with his wife. Her first question was: "Where's my car?" Apparently, she thought her husband was joking about it being in a shop. She's a slender Vietnamese woman that is even shorter than her husband: probably about a foot shorter than James!
As they approached the car, she smiles and says: "So this is your son." She has her hand out to shake James' hand. James stands up from the car and puts his hand out. At which point, she snapped her hand back to her chest and fell backwards into her husband's arms, exclaiming: "That's your son?!"
Although politically incorrect, the first thought to run through James head; as she fell back; he could just hear a little voice saying: "Ack! Godzilla!" Also in the back of his head, he heard a voice tell him to: "Put your hand down, idiot!"
All in all, it was NOT the best first meeting, lol!
James NEXT visit to their house was on Christmas about a year or so later. He got to meet some of his stepmother's family. It was an interesting meeting; as the first person walked up to him, he looks WAY up and said with a heavy Vietnamese accent - which sounded funny to James: "Ooo! You must play football!" James replied with a simple no. The relative asks: "Basketball?" "No..." "Whatchoo do?"
"I draw," James stated in a deadpan voice. He stopped asking questions after that...
Later that day - Christmas Eve - James was asked if he wanted to go bowling, which he thought was odd being that it was a holiday. In MN, the place would probably have been closed. In any case, hoping for some activity with his dad, and the fact that James loves bowling, it seemed like a fun thing to do.
It wasn't until right before they left that he found out that his dad wasn't going. James would be going with his stepmom's family. This was rather annoying because the purpose of his visit was to spend time with his dad, but because of work, James had mostly spent time by himself reading a book.
Anyway, James went bowling with a group of about 10 Vietnamese people that he didn't really know - not including his stepmother - and as anyone who has ever gone bowling knows, the first thing you do is get your shoes. The worker was asking everyone for their shoe sizes and received a bunch of requests for 4s and 5s. At last it's James turn, and he says: "Size 11." He could see the confused look on the guy's face as he wondered out loud: "Are you with THIS group?"
To James surprise, they bowled really well. On the other hand, he averaged about 90, which was really good for him at the time. However, he wasn't having fun being part of a group of people he didn't know. (He's painfully shy, especially back then.)
On his way back home - during the flight - he gets more surprises. When he got on the plane, he found out that they had apparently double booked his seat. So they brought him to the front of the plane to wait to see if they could find him a different seat, and then finally decided that since there was no one sitting there, they would put him in the very front of the first class section.
"Finally! Some leg room!" He exclaimed.
Thinking he had just lucked out, he opened a comic book and lay it out across his lap, he leaned back for a nice big stretch; head back, yawning. At that exact moment, the plane lurches, and he thought: "All right! We're about to take off and I can read my comic book and relax the whole flight."
But as he glances out the plane window, he sees snow coming down. It took him a few moments to realize that they weren't leaving. They had just locked onto the terminal... in MN! He realized that when he leaned back, he had fallen asleep! He'd spent the entire two hour flight passed out with his mouth open!
"That had to be hilarious to the stewardesses," he grumbles to himself as he gathered his things and then left the plan. But it could have been worse. At least he wasn't gripping the arms of the seat in terror the entire time!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
An Embarrassing Quickie
(Written exactly as James narrated it to me, CRINGE!)
Here's a quickie that'll embarrass my wife. Early on in our marriage, Roxie and I - having long since had similar senses of humor - one day as we were leaving the mall, we started driving out of the parking lot, and came to a set of lights. As soon as we stopped, Roxie started letting out a rather loud, somewhat long burp. Moments after she begins her burp, I chime in with my own burp. As she finishes her burp, I cut mine off and say: "Come on Hon, we're not quite in sync. Let's do it again! One two three!" BURP! "Come on honey, you're not even trying!"
At this point, she is doubled over laughing. Thank God she wasn't driving!
Ladies, you know your husband does this kind of stuff too, lol!
(He's right, I'm tempted to hide my head in shame...)
Here's a quickie that'll embarrass my wife. Early on in our marriage, Roxie and I - having long since had similar senses of humor - one day as we were leaving the mall, we started driving out of the parking lot, and came to a set of lights. As soon as we stopped, Roxie started letting out a rather loud, somewhat long burp. Moments after she begins her burp, I chime in with my own burp. As she finishes her burp, I cut mine off and say: "Come on Hon, we're not quite in sync. Let's do it again! One two three!" BURP! "Come on honey, you're not even trying!"
At this point, she is doubled over laughing. Thank God she wasn't driving!
Ladies, you know your husband does this kind of stuff too, lol!
(He's right, I'm tempted to hide my head in shame...)
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
The Sledgehammer Incident
Back when James worked at Cummins Onan, one of the clowns, um er co-workers, was supposed to be training in a new temp. However, his idea of training was sitting on his ass on a chair telling the guy what to do rather than showing how to do it or making sure that anything was actually getting done. After a while, the new temp was disgusted by the lack of real training, and was afraid that he would get fired because he wasn't able to do what he was supposed to.
The guy that was supposed to be training him wandered off, so my hubby asked the temp to come over to his section and train with him. Eventually, the yutz comes back to discover that the trainee had defected. So he decided to wander over into my husband's area and try to tell him how to do his job.
This is someone who shows up to work late, doesn't even do his own job, and often tells others to slow down so that they don't make him and his cronies look bad. However, even his cronies - who took frequent coffee breaks, couldn't stand him and often sent him to my hubby's area just to get rid of him.
Anyway, at one point, he gets right in my hubby's face. James does not appreciate being told what to do by someone like him, and decided to hold up a large, 16-lb sledgehammer and loudly and emphatically tell this man: "If you ever get in my face again, I'm going to shove this sledgehammer up your ass!"
The yutz wisely walked away.
The next morning, the area supervisor - Hubby's boss's boss, the same man who introduced a temp to my hubby when James said his name was Satan - comes walking over to ask about the "incident." James quickly explained what had been going on with the yutz not doing his job, and how he got upset when the yutz got in his face. He then told his boss straight out: "So yeah I told him that I would shove a sledgehammer up his ass, and I'm telling you right now that if he ever gets in my face again, I will!"
Roger - his boss - dropped his head into his hand, rubbed his forehead as if he suddenly had a headache, but then walked away. He didn't say a word, and James could almost hear him thinking: "I need this employee... I can't get anyone else to work in this department."
About 2 hours later, there was an announcement that James had an emergency phone call. James rushes to answer it, and it turned out to be his mom, who said: "A state trooper called, trying to find you. He needs you to contact him immediately." So hubby called the police officer, and was told:
"We have a report that your vehicle passed a schoolbus at high speeds." This was in a town that my hubby had never heard of. "The report describes your vehicle as a dark pickup that passed the bus at about 7am."
James says: "First of all, at 7am the sun was up, and my truck is a bright, flaming, cherry red. At 7am, there's no way my truck could be described as dark. And besides, I've been at work since 6am."
The cop asks: "Can anyone confirm that?"
James replies: "At 7am, I was in a meeting with my boss."
The cop wonders: "Can he confirm this? Will he remember the meeting?"
James states: "Well, the meeting was about shoving a sledgehammer up a co-worker's ass. I'm pretty sure that one is going to stick with him for a while!"
The line went totally silent for a few seconds until my hubby says: "Hello?"
The cop responds with: "Uh... we may need to contact you later."
Hubby snorts: "I doubt it. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to check on my truck and make sure that it hasn't been stolen!" And then he hung up.
It turns out that hubby's truck wasn't stolen, and the cop never called back.
I personally have to wonder what was going through that cop's head when my hubby told him that, lmao!
The guy that was supposed to be training him wandered off, so my hubby asked the temp to come over to his section and train with him. Eventually, the yutz comes back to discover that the trainee had defected. So he decided to wander over into my husband's area and try to tell him how to do his job.
This is someone who shows up to work late, doesn't even do his own job, and often tells others to slow down so that they don't make him and his cronies look bad. However, even his cronies - who took frequent coffee breaks, couldn't stand him and often sent him to my hubby's area just to get rid of him.
Anyway, at one point, he gets right in my hubby's face. James does not appreciate being told what to do by someone like him, and decided to hold up a large, 16-lb sledgehammer and loudly and emphatically tell this man: "If you ever get in my face again, I'm going to shove this sledgehammer up your ass!"
The yutz wisely walked away.
The next morning, the area supervisor - Hubby's boss's boss, the same man who introduced a temp to my hubby when James said his name was Satan - comes walking over to ask about the "incident." James quickly explained what had been going on with the yutz not doing his job, and how he got upset when the yutz got in his face. He then told his boss straight out: "So yeah I told him that I would shove a sledgehammer up his ass, and I'm telling you right now that if he ever gets in my face again, I will!"
Roger - his boss - dropped his head into his hand, rubbed his forehead as if he suddenly had a headache, but then walked away. He didn't say a word, and James could almost hear him thinking: "I need this employee... I can't get anyone else to work in this department."
About 2 hours later, there was an announcement that James had an emergency phone call. James rushes to answer it, and it turned out to be his mom, who said: "A state trooper called, trying to find you. He needs you to contact him immediately." So hubby called the police officer, and was told:
"We have a report that your vehicle passed a schoolbus at high speeds." This was in a town that my hubby had never heard of. "The report describes your vehicle as a dark pickup that passed the bus at about 7am."
James says: "First of all, at 7am the sun was up, and my truck is a bright, flaming, cherry red. At 7am, there's no way my truck could be described as dark. And besides, I've been at work since 6am."
The cop asks: "Can anyone confirm that?"
James replies: "At 7am, I was in a meeting with my boss."
The cop wonders: "Can he confirm this? Will he remember the meeting?"
James states: "Well, the meeting was about shoving a sledgehammer up a co-worker's ass. I'm pretty sure that one is going to stick with him for a while!"
The line went totally silent for a few seconds until my hubby says: "Hello?"
The cop responds with: "Uh... we may need to contact you later."
Hubby snorts: "I doubt it. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to check on my truck and make sure that it hasn't been stolen!" And then he hung up.
It turns out that hubby's truck wasn't stolen, and the cop never called back.
I personally have to wonder what was going through that cop's head when my hubby told him that, lmao!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
What did my radio ever do to you?
Shortly after moving into his first apartment, Hubby needed to go grocery shopping one day. When
he said that he was going to go, his roommate and roommate's girlfriend - J - immediately said that they needed to pick up some stuff as well, and asked to ride along.
There was another friend over at the time, a girl - E. So they all climbed into the car, the two guys up front, and the two girls in the back. On their way to the car, James had picked up the mail. As it was a tiny black 84 Chrysler Lazer, there was very little room. He hadn't minded that J was smoking as she walked to the car and got in. When he started the car, he reached down to the shifter between the seats and put the car in reverse. Immediately, he felt a hot searing pain in the back of his elbow,
and damn near screamed as his arm shot forward and he ended up punching out the radio. Everyone
in the car was wondering what the hell was wrong with him.
J suddenly complained that he had crushed her cigarette. He replies, "Yeah, with the back of my elbow! What the hell were you thinking!"
The cherry of her cigarette had burned him! So with the back of his arm burning - a blister
forming - and his knuckles bleeding, everyone started laughing at him. Grumbling, James finally
pulled out of the parking lot and headed out to the grocery store.
They got about 2 blocks from the grocery store and got stuck in traffic. So, Hubby starts looking through his mail. He opens his phone bill, and pulls out a page full of stickers advertising a long distance deal of 10 cents per minute. From the back of the car, one of the girls asked for the stickers, so he handed them over.
About a minute later, he notices movement in the back of the car and glances in the
rearview mirror to find that they had stripped off their button-up shirts AND the teeshirts they
wore underneath - plus their bras - and were now completely topless.
You have to realize that he wasn't dating either of them, and yet in the middle of traffic, they
have gotten half naked. He roars the question, "What are you doing?!" They assure him that they
aren't naked - as they have stuck the blue phone stickers over their nipples.
They eventually arrived at the grocery store, and hubby decides to keep to himself because they have already gone crazy in his opinion. A few minutes later, he realized that they were still close by with only their button up shirts on, but they were hanging open. He says: "Please button up your shirts! I shop here a lot and don't want to get banned!"
J replies: "Don't worry, we're covered!" As she pulls her shirt open even more. To which he quickly hastened away to shop and pretend that he didn't know them. As he's in the meat section, he suddenly and unexpectedly headbutted the counter because each of the girls had decided to grab one of his ass cheeks, and then quickly ran off when they saw his head bounce off the rack.
After consoling his wounded pride, he turns to see them on either side of his roommate. Opting for payback, he snuck up behind them, and then goosed them so hard that they were both lifted a good 2 inches off the floor. And for those of you that don't know, goosing is when a guy shoves a couple of fingers into the crotch area of the victim, lol!
The dual high-pitched, blood curdling scream drew tons of curious stares, but by the time anyone looked, he had already shifted his hands to their shoulders. After which, they both whimpered: "Please don't kill us!" But he couldn't stop laughing.
All and all, it was a pretty eventful shopping trip, lmao!
he said that he was going to go, his roommate and roommate's girlfriend - J - immediately said that they needed to pick up some stuff as well, and asked to ride along.
There was another friend over at the time, a girl - E. So they all climbed into the car, the two guys up front, and the two girls in the back. On their way to the car, James had picked up the mail. As it was a tiny black 84 Chrysler Lazer, there was very little room. He hadn't minded that J was smoking as she walked to the car and got in. When he started the car, he reached down to the shifter between the seats and put the car in reverse. Immediately, he felt a hot searing pain in the back of his elbow,
and damn near screamed as his arm shot forward and he ended up punching out the radio. Everyone
in the car was wondering what the hell was wrong with him.
J suddenly complained that he had crushed her cigarette. He replies, "Yeah, with the back of my elbow! What the hell were you thinking!"
The cherry of her cigarette had burned him! So with the back of his arm burning - a blister
forming - and his knuckles bleeding, everyone started laughing at him. Grumbling, James finally
pulled out of the parking lot and headed out to the grocery store.
They got about 2 blocks from the grocery store and got stuck in traffic. So, Hubby starts looking through his mail. He opens his phone bill, and pulls out a page full of stickers advertising a long distance deal of 10 cents per minute. From the back of the car, one of the girls asked for the stickers, so he handed them over.
About a minute later, he notices movement in the back of the car and glances in the
rearview mirror to find that they had stripped off their button-up shirts AND the teeshirts they
wore underneath - plus their bras - and were now completely topless.
You have to realize that he wasn't dating either of them, and yet in the middle of traffic, they
have gotten half naked. He roars the question, "What are you doing?!" They assure him that they
aren't naked - as they have stuck the blue phone stickers over their nipples.
They eventually arrived at the grocery store, and hubby decides to keep to himself because they have already gone crazy in his opinion. A few minutes later, he realized that they were still close by with only their button up shirts on, but they were hanging open. He says: "Please button up your shirts! I shop here a lot and don't want to get banned!"
J replies: "Don't worry, we're covered!" As she pulls her shirt open even more. To which he quickly hastened away to shop and pretend that he didn't know them. As he's in the meat section, he suddenly and unexpectedly headbutted the counter because each of the girls had decided to grab one of his ass cheeks, and then quickly ran off when they saw his head bounce off the rack.
After consoling his wounded pride, he turns to see them on either side of his roommate. Opting for payback, he snuck up behind them, and then goosed them so hard that they were both lifted a good 2 inches off the floor. And for those of you that don't know, goosing is when a guy shoves a couple of fingers into the crotch area of the victim, lol!
The dual high-pitched, blood curdling scream drew tons of curious stares, but by the time anyone looked, he had already shifted his hands to their shoulders. After which, they both whimpered: "Please don't kill us!" But he couldn't stop laughing.
All and all, it was a pretty eventful shopping trip, lmao!
Hi, my name is Satan!
Once upon a time ago, while my husband was working at Cummins Onan, he worked in a section where he built the housing for generators - which were between the size of a small pickup truck and a
cargo van. One day, because he was pretty much the only person who worked in that area full time,
his boss Roger brought over a new temp to be trained in Hubby's department.
James was having one of those days where he just did not give a damn what anyone thought. Roger was showing the temp around, and James realized that he was going to have to train in someone, so he walked over to them, and Roger said: "This is who will be training you in -"
James cut him off, stepping forward with his hand out and - completely straight faced - said: "Hi nice to meet you. Name's Satan; welcome to Hell. If you'll follow me, I'll show you where we torture the souls." And then he began walking away - still completely straight faced. At this point, Roger had his hand over his eyes, turned and started walking away; mumbling, leaving the new trainee looking back and forth between them in confusion and apprehension.
James stopped, turned back to the temp, and - a beckoning motion - said: "Come, I have such things to show you." He now tells me that if you don't get the reference, to go watch the Hellraiser movies, lol!
At some point, I hope to get hubby to record his anecdotes in his own voice so you can hear the funny voices and strange noises he makes, lol! But for now, please enjoy his experiences written down as he tells them to me :-)
cargo van. One day, because he was pretty much the only person who worked in that area full time,
his boss Roger brought over a new temp to be trained in Hubby's department.
James was having one of those days where he just did not give a damn what anyone thought. Roger was showing the temp around, and James realized that he was going to have to train in someone, so he walked over to them, and Roger said: "This is who will be training you in -"
James cut him off, stepping forward with his hand out and - completely straight faced - said: "Hi nice to meet you. Name's Satan; welcome to Hell. If you'll follow me, I'll show you where we torture the souls." And then he began walking away - still completely straight faced. At this point, Roger had his hand over his eyes, turned and started walking away; mumbling, leaving the new trainee looking back and forth between them in confusion and apprehension.
James stopped, turned back to the temp, and - a beckoning motion - said: "Come, I have such things to show you." He now tells me that if you don't get the reference, to go watch the Hellraiser movies, lol!
At some point, I hope to get hubby to record his anecdotes in his own voice so you can hear the funny voices and strange noises he makes, lol! But for now, please enjoy his experiences written down as he tells them to me :-)
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